It hurts to remember
My best friend and the man I loved had a brain tumor and required 3 emergency surgeries to save his life, all within 3 months. I practically lived in the hospital, nearly everyday and 8-10 hours a day. I was his "nurse". I fed him, helped bathe him, took care of his hygiene needs, changed his pillow cases, entertained him, socialized, counseled, memorized his medications, stats (heart rate, blood pressure, etc), I spoke with doctors on his condition, helped with his physiotherapy.. I did everything.
I had to distance myself... It's been so hard on me emotionally, it breaks my heart remembering the things that happened, the condition he was in. He seems to have moved on to a stage where he's angry with me...angry I haven't been around... I don't blame him but I wrote him this message.
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(Read this in a empowering/compassionate/loving tone) Dion, I know I haven't been around much and it's been difficult, and I know past texts may have seemed a bit harsh and I'm sorry. I know you have so much potential and I know how far you have come and how hard you have worked to make it here. I need you to understand that although you are the one that went through the procedures, I took on a lot in that time, things I would like to one day share with you but neither of us are ready for that right now. For me, seeing you is extremely difficult emotionally... I remember too much and I feel too deeply. Please know I care about you a lot, I always have and I always will. Right now I need to focus on myself, and my mom. Currently I am the only one around to take care of her, I have a heavy burden placed upon me yet again. I sincerely hope you can forgive me and know I am always here. You will always be my best friend, I will always love you, I just need to love myself and take care of me.
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One of the hardest things for me is remembering the first sentence he said to me after his final surgery... The first sentence he gathered the strength to speak.. Days after surgery, of being nearly incapable of speech... The first sentence he says, clear as day, is him pleading me to kill him. To end his life. He begged me to end his life. No one knows this. I try to block it out, to not let it hurt me but it kills. It kills me inside. No one understands what I went through. No one.
One of the other extremely difficult parts was that I was the emergency contact number... Every time I saw "VGH-Dr. Z" come up on my phone I panicked. I had to hear first hand every single complication. I heard the wonderful news of his brain scan post surgery, how it looked great, 99% of the tumor gone & the rest burned away... But then when I was with him at the hospital, the surgeon came in and checked him out, then asked if I'd like to see the scan.. I was expecting good news, I was already told good news. And then my world shattered when I was told he had a stroke. I was alone. I turned away and cried, and I called my best friend, panicking, knowing I had to call his mom and try to tell her that her son had a stroke. To hear her heartbreak as I delivered the news. No one knows that pain. That is a new pain entirely.
Sobriety goal + 577 days, restarted based on an accident
I had to distance myself... It's been so hard on me emotionally, it breaks my heart remembering the things that happened, the condition he was in. He seems to have moved on to a stage where he's angry with me...angry I haven't been around... I don't blame him but I wrote him this message.
--
(Read this in a empowering/compassionate/loving tone) Dion, I know I haven't been around much and it's been difficult, and I know past texts may have seemed a bit harsh and I'm sorry. I know you have so much potential and I know how far you have come and how hard you have worked to make it here. I need you to understand that although you are the one that went through the procedures, I took on a lot in that time, things I would like to one day share with you but neither of us are ready for that right now. For me, seeing you is extremely difficult emotionally... I remember too much and I feel too deeply. Please know I care about you a lot, I always have and I always will. Right now I need to focus on myself, and my mom. Currently I am the only one around to take care of her, I have a heavy burden placed upon me yet again. I sincerely hope you can forgive me and know I am always here. You will always be my best friend, I will always love you, I just need to love myself and take care of me.
--
One of the hardest things for me is remembering the first sentence he said to me after his final surgery... The first sentence he gathered the strength to speak.. Days after surgery, of being nearly incapable of speech... The first sentence he says, clear as day, is him pleading me to kill him. To end his life. He begged me to end his life. No one knows this. I try to block it out, to not let it hurt me but it kills. It kills me inside. No one understands what I went through. No one.
One of the other extremely difficult parts was that I was the emergency contact number... Every time I saw "VGH-Dr. Z" come up on my phone I panicked. I had to hear first hand every single complication. I heard the wonderful news of his brain scan post surgery, how it looked great, 99% of the tumor gone & the rest burned away... But then when I was with him at the hospital, the surgeon came in and checked him out, then asked if I'd like to see the scan.. I was expecting good news, I was already told good news. And then my world shattered when I was told he had a stroke. I was alone. I turned away and cried, and I called my best friend, panicking, knowing I had to call his mom and try to tell her that her son had a stroke. To hear her heartbreak as I delivered the news. No one knows that pain. That is a new pain entirely.
Sobriety goal + 577 days, restarted based on an accident
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