It always ties together

Aaron. 

I've recently been chatting with my ex Adam, and I've been feeling guilty about the choices I made after we broke up. I saw him today, we chatted about life in general and briefly spoke about the decisions we both made upon our break up. He began talking about his friends, and I mentioned it would be great to see them all, all except Aaron. He very quickly assured me none of them speak with him anymore, then discretely told me they were informed he had raped someone. I told him I knew, I had found out after having consensual sex...and that I was plagued with anxiety about what would have happened had I said no. The look he gave me pained me. I laughed at how much I changed from when he and I first got together, how broken I was, and how off the rails I went when we broke up. I explained that I was trying to have fun with people who were considered safe, that he was an easy choice for his womanizer attitude, and that he didn't seem dangerous, not like bar people. He agreed, stated he never thought of him as capable of such a thing. He told me that the day after I slept with Aaron, he wouldn't stop talking about it. He gloated, to my ex and their friends, that he slept with me. I told Adam I wasn't surprised, that he laughed immediately after about how he would feel finding out. Adam was shocked, his friend slept with me out of spite for him. To prove something. We talked a bit, and I shared that I slept with someone else, who I also considered to be safe. "Bouncers are there to protect women, we talked regularly, so I didn't expect him to be a rapist..." he looked solemn as I chuckled it off and said "my god, I am so glad you found Colin." I am too. My brain has been so fixated on these men who hurt me, it's all because I needed to get it off my chest to Adam. I needed to express that I regreted having sex with his friend, and that I was genuinely afraid of what he could have done to me. Sharing it with him, it released so much anxiety I was harbouring. I think part of me needed him to know that I wasn't hurt by Aaron, but that I knew I could have been. It could have been so much worse. I explained to him, in little detail, that the sex was more forceful than what I was used to. That he walked up to me and ripped my shirt open, and pressed me againgst the wall. I explained that it very easily could have gone wrong had I decided I didn't want it...I'm glad I didn't decide I didn't want it. I didn't tell him I slept with Aaron a handful of times, he probably knows... The first time was intense, and I enjoyed it, I won't lie. After finding out what he did, I cried. I scrubbed myself, I blocked and deleted him from facebook, and I cried. He raped my friend. And I didn't know. 

The relief in my chest is insane. I don't know what aspect made me feel better, maybe just knowing that Adam doesn't hate me for doing it... Maybe just having him know what my life became after he hurt me... Something, something in today's get-together made something better. I just, feel better. Here's hoping it lasts.