Is it over yet?
I have had some hard time in my life where things where hard and the only way I got through was to look forward. The problem now is when I look forward all I see is blackness and despair. I can't see a time when I won't long to have my boy with me. I can't see a time when I don't want to share something with him. I lived with the hope his life would be better than mine. I never told him but I looked forward to seeing his kids. I anticipated the time when I could see him happy, married with 2.5 kids and a dog. You know the white picket fence and the whole nine yards. I looked forward when someone would call me grandma. I never told James Robert of these hopes and dream. But they where held deep in my heart and I never thought in a million years they would never come true. Even I got to have the love of a child, why was that stolen from James Robert? Why was he stolen from me? Why?????? I know it sounds selfish but I will never have a legacy. I had hoped that James Robert would pass on his personality. He was so funny and full of love. I could see so much of myself in him. He was the only one that I felt really knew ME. With him I could be myself and see the world trough new eyes and a fresh spirit. I dont know why it was important to me. Heck I didn't even know it was important to me until he was gone. James Robert was everything good in the world. I tried so hard to guide him and show him how much love I had in my heart for him. He might have been having a hard time growing up but I NEVER EVER thought he wouldn't make it through. Now I wish I had done so many more things with him. I wish I wouldn't have put off till tomorrow what could have happened yesterday. There will always be the wish in my heart that I could say "I love you." one more time and see his eyes light up again.
Replies
I know your heart is broken and your future seems shattered. Your questions become unending and it seems there is no one to answer them. I know it is extra unfair because he was your only child. You were the best mom possible to him!
I don\'t know how to answer your questions but I am here to tell you how sorry we all are and that we all are in different stages of our grief and we are here to hold your hand and help you through this journey. I can tell you that the grief lasts forever but slowly and I do mean s l o w l y, my life has been less shattered and I don\'t feel as broken any more. I am bringing pieces of my old life back into place and there are many pieces that no longer fit (especially my clothes.) Soth humor there. Soth means Sister of the Heart, you may already know that.
One of the books on grief that some of us read states that the moms in the beginning should be treated as if they are in Intensive Care Units, so try to be gentle with yourself and keep writing journals to let us know how you are doing.
Sending love and hugs your way,
Leda
I agree with what Leda has written. I have just discovered a way to describe how I am feeling. I feel as if I am swimming against a very storm ridden ocean current. We all keep on trying to swim the best way we can. Sending much love and hugs, Debbie
I have felt and thought everything you wrote. I also lost my only child, my son. It was over 4 years ago. (He even spent a number of years in Eugene.) I can tell you that, although the sadness and loss will always be a part of you, the intensity of the pain and the sense of hopelessness will ease up and life will seem possible again. As Leda and Debbie have written, the important things are to be patient and gentle with yourself and to keep on expressing what you are feeling. There is no right or wrong here. I am so sorry you are having to go through this but know that you are not alone.
When I look at how losing Jackson has changed me, I think one of the greatest changes has been the loss of anticipation and excitement for the future. Although before I lost him, I wouldn\'t necessarily have described myself as super optimistic and happy, now that I\'ve lost him, I realize that there is something huge missing when I look to the future. Most of the anticipation is gone. So, I share your pain at losing all the future happiness you should have had with James Robert. You were cheated of that and it\'s not fair. I think, however, that we can still get to a place where good things happen in our futures, future happiness just won\'t shine as brightly due to the loss of our sons, but it can exist -- at least I sure hope so!
I understand your words, my son never saw his child born or will his child know him as I do. A loving caring person who believed in hard work and vacations. I try to understand but I fail at that. My grandson is across the state so I do not get to see him. His mom Tara and sister Kaitlyn will be moving to NY to help her mom after surgery. I cannot blame Tara for wanting to do that on one side but I don\'t want them to be so far away either. I have my daughters children every weekend so she can work.
In my heart I feel like I am loosing again .
We are all in this together...........
Hugs Penny
Your dreams have been shattered and you are in the midst of the worst pain and loss a mother could ever endure. None of it is okay and the wishing for a \"do over\" is acutely within each of us in so many areas of our lives. I know...
Just taking it one breath and day at a time is what you are doing and knowing that others are learning too how to carry their loss and that we will try to companion one another as best as we are able.
Feeling your heart with loving understanding,
XO Joanie
Oh my dear. My heart hurts for you. All your expectations have been dashed and there are no answers as to why. It is hard to see a future of any sort. I often asked myself \"What\'s the point?\" After 4 years, I have carved out a new life - not at all the one I imagined or would have liked but I do have purpose and some joy in my life.
Just remember you are not alone on this crappy journey.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Please do not feel guilt - we as parents did the best we could at the time.