Intersection

You know what's fun? When all of your multitude of issues work together to royally fuck with your day. As previously stated, I have a few different nerodivergencies. 1) self diagnosed ADD. There's a stigma against self diagnosis, but there are a number of reasons getting an official diagnosis can be difficult. ADD is not well understood in women or adults, which means it is often missed or dismissed, for example. 2) medically diagnosed depression/anxiety. While I've been self-harming since middle school, it wasn't until my sophmore year in college that I did so with a blade (scratching sissor blades across my stomach). At that point, I went to my general physician and took the test. Mild/moderate Depression. Starting my last semester at university, I took anti-depressants for about a year. 3) food addiction. I've always struggled with food, but it wasn't until reading The Hunger Fix that I realized it was a full blown eating disorder. 4) pre-menstral syndrom. Mostly, in my case, this just means an amplification of issues 1-3 once a month. 

I've coped with these things in a number of ways over the years. For the first decade, as they all started and developed, I ignore them. My family didn't discuss mental health. My mom once told me that self-harming was just a cry for attention so she would help me stop by ignoring it. It took a long time for me to realize the problem with that theory. I self medicated by escaping through fiction whenever possible until I barely interacted with the real world at all. The isolation began at that point. I lost friends, never develop new ones, stopped being able to connect with my family, and my self-esteem tanked. It wasn't until my first semester of college that I started therapy. 

I will forever be grateful to my therapist. She was phenomenal and really set me on the path to recovery. She helped me realize some things and was just generally there to listen and support and encourage in a way that no one ever had before. In fact, it was only after a year or two in her care that I got my official depression diagnosis and "came out" to my parents. She's also the one who eased me into the idea of taking medication my last semester which eased me through the next year or so. Sadly, I haven't been been to therapy since. She was tied to the university and actually got a new job when I graduated. Despite trying, no one's been nearly so helpful and it hasn't been worth the money. 

Since the February after graduation I've been working with a Chinese acupuncturist/herbalist. I always thought acupuncture was a pseudo-science at best, especially in the West. But I studied religions from all over the world, which left me with an open mind, and despite my problems with my mother, I trust her research implicitedly. She's also incredibly skeptical by nature, so if she's convinced? So am I. As a result, for the last 8 months or so, I've had acupuncture almost every week and have been taking special herbal formulas perscribed by the doctor. Within two months, I was off the anti-depressants and now I'm maybe 50 percent better. As my head has cleared, I've had plenty of epiphanies. I'm making friends again, improving my relationship with my family, and was able to identify the ADD and food addiction opening up a whole world of healthy coping mechanisms. 

Mental illness is tricky and very individualized. And there are a lot of truly pseudo-treatments out there. For the most part, I don't recommend traditionally Eastern medicine performed by a Westerner. A lot gets lost in translation, so be careful. There's a stigma against Western medication for mental illness, but that's absurd. Like anything else, you need to do your research and be supervised by a medical professional, but you wouldn't refuse to take your heart medication, right? Therapy is something everyone should do at least once in a blue moon (side note: a blue moon is the second full moon in a Gregorian calendar month. so it actually happens something like 3 times a year.) Sometimes it can take a while to find the right fit, but it's worth it in the end. Plus there are a lot of organizations that make it more affordable and plenty of online sources. I'm personally of the belief that if you need to self-medicate, then self-medicate. Self-harm, alcohol, escapism; whatever it is, you do what you must to survive. That being said, moderation is especially important for destructive coping mechanisms and if it develops into an addiction, all bets are off. 

Today, was a PMS day. I woke up apathetic and hating life and couldn't shake it until drinking half an energy drink. I'm trying to give those up since they're kinda deadly if not treated respectfully. The first half of the day was a slogg through work, with some time staring into space begging the clock to move faster. The energy drink did help the afternoon be much more productive, which is great, but I hate to depend on it. For all I'm 50% better, bad days are still bad days and I would like to greatly reduce their number. I also can't help but feel all the crappy frozen fries contributed to the general crappiness. 

The next step seems to be to continue to work on the Hunger Fix and my addiction. While exercise is not going to directly make me lose weight, it will promote blood flow, make my brain and heart healthier, and therefore increase my energy levels. Eating whole foods will do the same. I have decided to start my Detox Saturday, October 27, 2018 for two reasons. 1) Money. I am paid on Tuesday and while I have enough food to last until the 27th, it is not detox friendly. 2) Stress. Detox increases stress and stress increases cravings. Therefore, when starting a detox, it is best to have as little outside stress as possible. Not only am I in the middle of PMS, which means my cycle is begining soon, but my brother is staying with me this weekend. My apartment is very small and I am unused to having another sentient being sharing that small space. He stays with me often and my sleep is always disturbed and my stress elevated. 

I think that rounds out today's entry. I get off work early tomorrow, so I'll have time to do some reasearch into low-impact cardio and read more of THF. Provided nothing dramatic happens, I imagine I'll write about that tomorrow.