Interesting... (for me anyway...)
So, today I spoke to one of my friends (she used to be in an abusive relationship and I knew she would understand), she is not a v close friend but we used to wok together and always got on well. She said that she will ask her parents, as they have an annex to their house and she said she thought I could move in there if needs must. And they said that I am welcome any time for any length of time! How kind are they??!! They don't even know me. This takes off so much pressure!
I viewed a couple of properties (non of them were suitable) and the owner of the 2nd one told me she was a police officer working with domestic abuse victims. I asked if she thought abusers are capable of change, and she said she never saw one change; they don't change. So why am I still holding out some hope deep inside my heart that my bf will stop hurting me and change?? I'm confused cause Lundy Bancroft says in his book ('Why does he do that?') that they can change if they want to and that only about 3% of the abusers are actually psychopaths / sociopaths or have Personality Disorders. He worked with over 2000 abusers (an kept in touch with their partners to get feedback and their side of the story) and he says they can change. I so wish he would not abuse me again because when he isn't abusive, he is the nicest guy in the world and has so many incredibly positive qualities, and qualities that are v important to me. I so wanted this to work. If I move out because it doesn't work, I won't get into a relationship for a while and just work on me. Get some help to break my pattern. I counted last nigh; I had relationships with 12 abusers / narcissists! 12!!! I was shocked! I still am.
What is giving me a bit of hope is that he says he doesn't want to be like this and he hates himself for being abusive to me; he has been working on himself and had some successes, but I think I'm so fed up with the abuse that I became hypersensitive and it takes me longer and longer to get over an abusive episode.
Also, re: his ex-wife, I took the courage to call her today but found out that she actually only worked at that resort for less, than a month; so maybe my bf WAS actually telling me the truth, that she got jobs but she used to quit after a few weeks. So maybe he wasn't lying about her.
We'll see how things go, but with making escape routes and all the developments, I am feeling slightly better!
Thanks for all the support!
I viewed a couple of properties (non of them were suitable) and the owner of the 2nd one told me she was a police officer working with domestic abuse victims. I asked if she thought abusers are capable of change, and she said she never saw one change; they don't change. So why am I still holding out some hope deep inside my heart that my bf will stop hurting me and change?? I'm confused cause Lundy Bancroft says in his book ('Why does he do that?') that they can change if they want to and that only about 3% of the abusers are actually psychopaths / sociopaths or have Personality Disorders. He worked with over 2000 abusers (an kept in touch with their partners to get feedback and their side of the story) and he says they can change. I so wish he would not abuse me again because when he isn't abusive, he is the nicest guy in the world and has so many incredibly positive qualities, and qualities that are v important to me. I so wanted this to work. If I move out because it doesn't work, I won't get into a relationship for a while and just work on me. Get some help to break my pattern. I counted last nigh; I had relationships with 12 abusers / narcissists! 12!!! I was shocked! I still am.
What is giving me a bit of hope is that he says he doesn't want to be like this and he hates himself for being abusive to me; he has been working on himself and had some successes, but I think I'm so fed up with the abuse that I became hypersensitive and it takes me longer and longer to get over an abusive episode.
Also, re: his ex-wife, I took the courage to call her today but found out that she actually only worked at that resort for less, than a month; so maybe my bf WAS actually telling me the truth, that she got jobs but she used to quit after a few weeks. So maybe he wasn't lying about her.
We'll see how things go, but with making escape routes and all the developments, I am feeling slightly better!
Thanks for all the support!
Replies
That\'s really great you found a place you could stay. Great progress!! I\'m glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.
I think you are hoping he will change probably because as you say, everything else in the relationship is fine its just this ONE thing. BELIEVE me I understand completely where u are coming from. I thought \'if only he would stop going on that dating website\' then he would be my dream guy. I did EVERYTHING to work it out, EVERYTHING. I held on for so long. But remember his abuse is not just one little thing, its a big, big issue that affects you.
Yes its rare: they can change, but even saying they want to change means nothing. Someone saying they want to be a painter, pleading about how great of a painter they could be, and not going out to even buy paint is NOT a painter! We need RESULTS and my ex could never deliver. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. Only his actions will tell you whether he is changing.
At the same time though I can see his abuse is really affecting you and that is *NOT* okay. You deserve the best, you deserve loving relationships, not in 10 years, but now.
Best of luck :)
Yes, you are right, it\'s abig issue and it does affect me deeply. I sent him an email explaining tohim how his abusive behaviour made me feel and some info about abuse. He sent some lovely SMSs saying that he thought we were OK as things were OK for a few days before he left. He said he is working on it and he doesn\'t want to treat me bad and wants this to work. I feel that I had a breakdown since he\'s gone; I don\'t know why now, but somehow I just broke down. It seems like it all built up and the pain is unbearable. I love him so much and I thought this was IT, but even if he changes (for which I will HAVE TO SEE actual marked positive changes in his behaviour) I don\'t know if this is gone too far and if the pain inside me can be healed. I do feel resentful towards him for being abusive when I was so nice and patient.
I am so confused and don\'t know anything anymore; some people say he can change if he sees what he is doing is unacceptable and wrong, some people say he will never change. Some say I should focus on me and how I feel, and make sure that I am all right and feel good, This is what he says to me too; always tells me to relax and put myself first, and do things I enjoy; he never restricts me to see friends or family, and is very supportive when I\'m stressed form work / sick / have any problems. Remember that he supported me through my horrible divorce and was there for me 100%, even came to court to support me. On one hand I feel like I don\'t want to bail on him when he is having problems; he came with me to doctors when my adrenal fatigue came up, even did the candida diet with me to support me. The only thing is that my problems might have needed support (which I am willing to give as well and have been giving) but never caused him pain. On the other hand I am asking myself if I am in denial, that I hope that he realises how much pain he is causing me and that he will stop doing it, because I can\'t bare the idea of not being with him, and I love him so much; despite the abuse (and funnily enough) he is the most supportive guy I have ever met and he has so many great qualities. I feel that I can trust him (he never gave me a reason not to) and he is great to talk to, intelligent and committed to me.
I feel so confused and the only thing I feel I can do is monitor his actions, rather than just believe his promises to change! I do feel that because I had this breakdown and \'the cat is out of the bag\' and all my friends know that he is abusive, if - somehow - he manages to really stop abusing me and I stay with him,my friends are not going to respect me anymore and will think that I am weak and that I compromised. I wish now that I kept my mouth shut and worked things out myself, but the pain was killing me and I had to talk to my friends.
I feel so f*cked in the head!
I know what you mean about how even if he changed you may still resent him. Kind of how i feel about my ex...I thought maybe I could just send him a book on narcissism (we are in 2 diff countries right now) and see if he will change since we are separated anyway and he has been clinging on for over a year (which is still...a pretty long time). But i don\'t know if i could forgive him for what he did, I\'m so ANGRY I feel like theres nothing he could do to make me forgive him and he just doesn\'t GET how much he hurt me.
You have every right to be confused about what to do. Honestly, psychology is a developing, ever-changing field. Every expert has their own opinion!! Definitions change every year, and let\'s not forget less than 100 years ago Homosexuality was listed in the DSM as a mental illness!! In the end it is OUR decision how to live our lives. I find the research and experience the experts have valuable, but I know that even they are not omniscient. YOU know what is best for you, nobody else and it is your life. Nobody can give you the right answers it will come from within. This is a huge dilemma you face, it sounds like he is really great in some areas, really bad in some (abuse) but also wants to change. It would be confusing for ANYONE! So don\'t be too hard on yourself.