Inpatient

Last night I tried to kill myself. Tonight, I am spending my first night at an inpatient ward. Last night I gave up all hope and tried to cut my wrists. I failed and I wish that I hadn't. I don't want to be alive today and I wish I had died last night like I was meant to but here I am. They admitted me to the ward and told me about allllll the shrinks that'll be coming to see me. They went through my things and took anything 'dangerous,' including my laptop charger, my glass makeup bottles, and my lace-up shoes. They didn't notice a safety pin at the bottom of my bag which I didn't know was in there either, but I found it tonight and scraped up my arms as much as I could with a dull safety pin. My arms sting a little bit now which is kind of satisfying but it's still not good enough since there was barely any blood. I wish I had succeeded last night. And if not that, I at least wish I had my blades. I wonder if I can get some in somehow.