inner searching

I have been trying to get to the bottom of why I have been in such a panic.  I know that it's more than just things being up in the air.  i think I have abandonment issues.  I'm not sure that is the same as codependence though...

My real dad left when I was twelve.  He and his whole family decided that from that point on my brother and I were never born.  Then fast forward to when mom re-marries..and enters my sexual abuser.  All I wanted was a dad. 

Now I had this person that showed me kindness and attention and said he would be there for me..only when the time came he called me a crazy codependent and left me in a sea of panic...drowning, looking for that friend that promised to be there.  At that moment I was thinking about how my dad said we were never born.  My mistake, I didn't understand that he didn't really mean it..or maybe only meant when it was convenient.  Another super hard lesson.

Fucking dumbass crazy bitch..no one will be there for YOU!  you KNOW better than to count on anyone.  mmmm...hold on a second there missy..not entirely true.( see how all the other personalities start to talk?)

Yesterday some girlfriends actually helped me over a lot of the panic.  Today I got to talk to someone that I went to high school with.  We had not talked in a really long time.  I told him things I had not told any but a handful of people..why?  I have no fucking clue.  He has suffered great loss and I felt he would get it I guess.

The waterworks have mostly been held back today.  He is being mostly civil and I am looking foward to getting back to work tomorrow so I am not trapped here with my negative thoughts.