Inner most dark secrets.

This is the place I turn to when I feel as though I can't talk to anyone I know without fear of judgement, and fear of losing something simply because of a need for expression. I'm dating am amazing man, he treats me like an absolute princess, he brings me flowers, takes me on dates, cooks for me, gives me massages.. We've been together nearly 9 months now and I feel myself disconnecting. He's everything I've always dreamt of, but I don't feel as if he's the one and in past relationships that's when I've walked away and moved on, but part of me wants to try to push through to see if it's just my depression creeping back in. I feel Alive and whole when I see Adam though, and I think that's my primary issue... I feel disconnected from Colin but when my ex fiancé comes around I feel whole, I feel like I'm looking at my other half and it's what I want to feel. Feeling this way makes me feel ashamed and guilty. I don't know what to say other than I feel horrible inside, but I truly think I'm fighting depression again and I think it's what's causing me to disconnect from Colin who made me so happy for so long. I can't control if I get depressed and I'm just doing my best to not blame him for it.
Yesterday I looked in the mirror, and I saw a stranger. I looked and I didn't recognize myself. I couldn't pin point it, all I know is what I felt inside didn't reflect how I looked on the outside. It's extremely rare for me to have these feelings but they're terrifying when they do occur, I just stared and couldn't understand. Some days I truly feel empty and it's the worst feeling.