I'm trying so hard.

I'm feeling so much frustration and anxiety right now, and it's eating me alive.  I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and many times feel like bashing my head against the wall.  I can't deal with any thing stressful right now. Things are going well with my new therapist, even though I've grown to hate therapy.  I've done so much of it in my life.  But I know I really need it.  I have to try and be as healthy as I can and right now.  And with all of this crap going on in the world right now, on top of my illness, it's not easy.  I've been pretty good at putting on a mask and not showing the world how I'm feeling inside.  But at times I even hid it from myself, which has been bad in the past because I may miss some warning signs.  Many nights, when I'm in my room alone I have to hold back tears even though I'm not really in a depression cycle right now. Maybe, I am hiding how I'm really feeling from myself?

Money is a huge issue right now.  I can't really afford anything.  It's really embarrassing that I'm forced to live with my mother because I can't live on my own. I can't tell people who ask what I do for a living why I don't work.  Since I'm an absolute failure in life, I can't get a job and I don't and will never have much money.  I'm not going to magically get more money from disability.  All my family that I live with will be going on vacations this summer, but not me, I'm staying home, alone. I will never be able to afford a vacation if I don't go with somebody and they pay.  My car is deciding to give me trouble, maybe because it's getting pretty old.  It just paid a fortune to get it fixed with money I don't really have.  My credit card bill is the highest it's ever been and I don't see it going down much anytime soon.  Not until I pay off my invisalign.  I may have spent a little to much money on virtual instrument sample libraries for my music. But a painter can't paint the picture he or she wants without the right colors, right? But these virtual instruments, since there recorded samples of actual instruments, are so expensive and I don't have thousands to spend on them.  And there are so many I would love to have.  I do have some cool sounding stuff that I purchased on sale though, and it does give me a lot of joy. I'm wanting to take my music to the next level, but I'm only getting so far on YouTube tutorials and some basic music courses that I got on sale for under $20.  I'd like to take some more advanced online courses, but there around $400 or $500 each.  That's not happening.  I have no ambitions of becoming any kind of professional composer, whether it would be writing music for film, tv, or trailers.  It's not a lifestyle I can deal with, plus I'm not that good.  But I'd really like to be really good at something and feel proud of myself.  I've never really ever have felt that in my life.  In fact, I hate myself and how little I've accomplished.  Everybody keeps telling me I should be proud of surviving my illness (so far), but it doesn't feel like much.