I'm a mom now

It's been a long time. I haven't had the urge to journal, but I did last night. My son is 9 months old and he's the light of my life, I can hardly picture my life before he came into it. It makes me miss my mom a lot. I frequently have dreams in which she's alive and she knows my son - they're never dramatic, just feels like a normal day. It's sobering to wake up after those and realize.

The urge to write came after reading a book, November 9. Spoiler alert. The suicide letter in that book in which the mom has ovarian cancer, I swear, my mother's note would have looked identical if we hadn't called an ambulance. Sometimes I regret forcing her to go to the hospital - my goal for her was pain management, not treatment.. I knew if she wanted treatment, she would have chosen that for herself. 

I'm not sure what I want to write, but I felt that worth noting. It felt intense. I'm no longer working with a counsellor, near the end I didn't really feel connected to Jessica. It kinda seemed like we were both showing up out of obligation. It's natural, but I think I'd want a new counsellor if I were to resume in the future.

Off to baby time!