Idk

These last couple of days have been really weird. I'm not sure how to describe it. It feels surreal. I don't feel alive. I feel like a ghost. It's weird and difficult to put into words.

Today my friend expressed concern for me. She expressed to me that she is concerned for me because I have lost weight and she was emotional as she was talking. I am so grateful she expressed it to me, but I wish it made me want to change. I wish it made me want to be better.

I don't like to talk to people about my struggles with food. It embarrasses me so much. I eat in front of people so I feel like there's no way anyone could ever believe me. I don't feel like I look like there's something wrong with me, so there must not be. Why has only one friend noticed that I've lost weight and seen it in an unhealthy way? Over the last several months I've had exactly nine people comment that I look good and that I look slimmer. I know how many because each time I receive a comment, it's like it plays over and over in my head. But my point is that each and every single one of these has put my weight loss in a positive light. As if I look better now. It's hard for me to see how I'm unhealthy.

That being said, my thoughts are most definitely unhealthy. And I don't feel healthy. I feel tired, drained, sad, angry, paranoid, dissociated, and just plain dead. I spend so much of my energy being angry at myself. I have so many passing thoughts of wanting to get to a point where I can eliminate food so that I can feel the control of withholding something from myself. Feel the control of saying no, even if my body does need it.

I want help from my brain. I'm pretty drained. I want help, but I feel like I'm not serious enough to need it.

I don't know. I just need sleep. I have a busy week of school so I just want to get through this week. Tonight my thoughts are jumbled and confusing, but it won't be this way for long. There's always a break.