I went to bed & I woke up
I went to bed seething with the anger that I wear like an outfit everyday of my life.
I had my tantrum for everyone to see
I literally couldn't help myself I can never help myself. I can't help myself when I frantically try to take back my outburst
The mistake I made was leaving my room You'd think at this point I'd learn! Don't leave your room when there's people out there! Barricade the door!
I took 1/2 a sedative that I had been saving & anticipating so I could at least shake off the remnants of the fury that came back in short fresh stabs & the regret that follows closely & it did nothing for me
nada zip nothing
i woke up in the middle of the night still angry still sad & surrounded by the isolation ive created for myself
and I don't know how to let go of
i considered leaving this site behind. This safe place. I've done it bf when I've felt I'd humiliated myself enough
this morning I revisited my most cringe moments where I've been desperately transparent & intentionally rude ( I couldn't delete them)& I apologized on the boards bc it made me feel better. Nothing makes me feel better tho
I used to spend my entire days stoned on one substance or another. My husband swears by being functionally stoned or drunk & shares his philosophy. I've ( except for my anticlimactic episode w the 1/2 sedative last night) decided that my prescribed meds is enough of an altered state for me. Then why am I sooooo miserable? Why do I tell myself everyday that it's not too late to change but screw up on a daily basis? What I'm trying to say in my very fragmented way is I just want to stop alienating people!
im starting back up w a past therapist. I'm excited but nervous bc I'm bursting at the seams w what I need to tell her. I SO want to be fixed. Lol. I don't even know what that means!
Replies
Here's to writing it out!
Hi D'd,
First to say is congrats on getting back with the former therapist! You have a new chance of bringing her around to your understanding of your true self. Best to you with doing so.
Now the anger issue. Are you certain that you are taking the proper medications for your condition(s)? Or have you been diagnosed with an illness related to anger? There are some drugs connected to aggressive behavior. Also, medical conditions can be a symptom of anger or aggressive behavior. Please speak with your prescribing physician or talk to your pharmacist about your med cocktails and the signs of anger and personal aggression. There is hope for a change, a better one. Just speak with your PCD or local pharmacist for suggestions on different meds.
And I imagine there are many reasons you prefer to shelter in your own privacy. I grew up with people who usually did just that, stayed indoors, or primarily these were comfortable while spending alone time inside bedroom spaces, nothing wrong with that! Thing is, many of us don't want to rely on other people to circle into our lives at critical times when we need the space to be alone. Perhaps some of the people you live with invite people you are not comfortable with the intention of visits. This is not your fault. And never allow others to pressure you into coming out to say hello to some person you've no interest in entertaining. It's best to wait until YOU are ready to socialize, with people of your own choosing for that matter.
Now, if you decide to leave this site, which you admit is a safe place, then please unfriend me before you go, okay? And I'm not suggesting this to appear as uncaring; it is that I'm no help to people who are not ready to pull themselves up by their bootstraps by allowing others to help. And I do understand the pressure to flee the site. Been there myself!
Do what's best for you at the moment. Keep in the heart that you may always come back again as you are ready to do so.
And you are miserable no less than others following in your footsteps. Drugging with street drugs and imagining philosophical abilities is hogwash. And if your husband is telling you that you have more in common with him as you are sloshed with illicit drugs then he is your enabler. He should never put any type of ideas in your head. Do you understand how this type of attitude is unhealthy for you?
The talent(s) of coming out of miserable situations is to innovate, find healthy ideas, set meaningful and reachable goals, study a spiritual strategy, one that lifts you and challenges you to do better with your life, seek excellence but not quick perfection, no person is perfect, align yourself with harmony, avoid dangerous situations, avoid negative people and give up on conversations or communicating in chats that lead you to destructive thoughts and behavior. I could continue with more, laying out what could possibly be bringing your spirit down to lowliness.
If you decide to stay at this site, keep writing; I encourage this!
I send you love and hugs today and look for me to visit your journal this Sunday - I am only here at DS for a couple of days in a week. God be with you.
Here are some useful tips to control your emotions:
Try deep breathing and positive self-talk.
Talk through your feelings and seek the support of others.
Keep a log of your angry thoughts.
Learn to assert yourself in healthy, productive ways.
Look for the humor in situations.