I was 'groomed'
I grew up with the internet; as the internet became accessible to people, I had it. It was new, and people didn't realize how many predators were out there. I didn't know what child predators were. So when I was a child, 10, maybe even younger, I began to meet people online.. I was groomed. I had these men tell me that they loved me, and they made me feel good about myself, they made me feel special. They convinced me to send pictures and display myself on webcams. There was one, Zach, he was different than the rest. He never abandoned me as I aged. He kept in contact, we even had each other on facebook, and it took until I was in my early to mid- twenties (27 in less than a month) to realize he was a pedophile, and he had groomed me. I thank god that he lives across the country, had he lived local to me things would have been very different. He wasn't the only one to groom me, to make me feel special, to convince me to be provocative online... He's just the only one who's face I can't get out of my head, who messaged me a mere 4 years ago to wish me a happy birthday.. I wonder if he kept tabs on me as I aged because he didn't want me to turn him in, or because he thought he could get more from me... I honestly don't know. I reread old emails between us, I don't know how I could have been so naive. He wrote in emails that he wanted to rob kids but didn't have a mask, and was almost beat up because he owed someone money and he was about to pull a knife on the guy - how did I get myself mixed up with someone like that? How did I idolize him? Pedophiles are skilled at finding those who feel bad about themselves, and make them feel special and loved... I just can't believe I didn't see it until I was an adult. He had access to my life for so long. I want to message him, I want to ask him point blank why he did it. Why he wanted to see me naked. I was a child, a god damn child.
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I decided to message him. I don't know why, and I don't know what I was expecting. I read through old messages, and I saw how we spoke 5 years ago, and I felt ... not happy, but not angry or depressed. It was almost butterfly-y. I couldn't help but smile. I don't understand how I can feel this way. I messaged him, I asked him if he had time to talk. He was ecstatic. He said he missed me and he had wanted to message me but couldn't find me (I changed my name on Facebook to my full name, not nickname that he knew me by). I wanted to be cold, I wanted to be rigid. I couldn't even ask the question of how he truly felt about me before he told me he missed me, that I was his best friend, that he loved me. After a few minutes of chatting I asked him how much older he was, we both thought there was a larger gap, it's only 5 years. 5 years is still a decent amount between a 10 year old and 15 year old... between a 15 year old and 20 year old... it was still child pornography. I don't know how I feel, currently I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. I'm spinning. He knows so much of my past, I reread old messages and cried because I told him so much and he was always so kind. Was he kind because he cared, or was he kind because he wanted more pictures? Or because he wanted to keep me from reporting him? I honestly have no idea. The room is spinning.
Forgiveness can be very healing...like opening a door to many more possibilities in one's life....That's been my experience....
God Bless
I think that's just it. I think I forgive him. I was extremely dependent on him when I was younger, perhaps that is part of why I am excusing what happened. I reread old messages and at the time, I expressed severe suicidal ideations. I was self-harming myself on a regular basis, and frequently took pills in excess. He was always there for me, never judgmental, just supportive and kind. He showed me that I could be loved, despite my shortcomings, despite my neurosis. I think as an adult, I began to view him as a predator because I didn't want to acknowledge how messed up I was and how much he helped me. Maybe he was a predator, or maybe he's mentally the same age...
Whatever the case, it seems I do forgive him. He didn't traumatize me, he didn't hurt me, and to my knowledge, he never betrayed my trust. He made me feel loved, at a time when I felt unlovable.