I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY MOTHER
I just got really really upset and broke down for quite sometime. Mom keeps saying that I need clothes that fit. So yesterday I bought two summer dresses for the cruise and showed them to my mom today. She liked them, but then questioned me how I have money to buy them. Well I don't. I barely have money to pay bills and buy food. But I needed them. How can I please her if she tells me one thing and then goes back on another. Then she goes on to asking how I have money to pay bills etc. I said that I am very frugile and am saving as much money as I can, yes eventually I won't have any left which is why I took out a loan last year for school and am taking out another loan this fall. She goes on saying , "well you know how much interest you're going to have to pay? It's like throwing money down the drain". What am I supposed to do?! I don't really have a fucking choice. We don't have much at all. So she keeps questioning me about it, I don't know what else she wanted me to say. Just kept nagging. Then she started asking," well I dont understand why you cant work a full time job, or at least like 30hrs a week, its not like its that stressful or difficult to be a receptionist. You're completely capable of doing that, anyone can do that". Ya that would be great, but I'm not exactly home the entire month of august and I cant really start a job and then just leave. Plus how would I work a job like that once I start school in the end of august, I dont even know whats going to go on with dog walking because most of the walks are during school hours but I dont want to lose any of them, which is already bothering me and constantly on my mind. Then if I worked a job like that how the fuck would I be able to keep sessions with you etc. Then she goes on to, "well how much longer do you need to really see joanna and why so many times a week still." I don't know what to do. Nothing that I say works or helps.
I was at her house since early yesterday afternoon with my ferrets. Yesterday was great, had a really good day and night. Of course I ate a lot, which was very uncomfortable and still is, but I wasn't going to argue or fight because the slightest bit of moving my food aroud on my plate would get questioning from her. And then she practically forced me to drink wine? Who does that? Then this morning, literally as I was getting out from bed she said, "you need to eat breakfast now". Could I of least gotten out of the bedroom yet? I didn't finish the milk in my cereal bowl and she nagged me as to why not. I never have liked drinking the sweet milk at the bottom, ahhhh. and lunch it was like a full meal...big german sandwich, veggies AND freaking dessert. It was way too much for any normal person.
I feel like I have helped her so much this weekend but nothing was noticed. I spent 3 hours working on the music for next weekends regatta and all she did was say that I am always on the computer and am lazy. She asked me to do this! I was also working on my unknown project for micro and I got the same song and dance.
Am I upset because I really am or because I feel I need to because of the next two weeks? I feel like I am because I truly am, but at the same time now I always wonder if I really am or if its just because I am making myself that way. I hate the way my mind thinks now- it was already so busy before and now its just busier. I didn't think it would be possible for it to be contaminated with so many endless wandering thoughts.
I was finally able to leave my parent's house. She asked me if I could come back tomorrow and is still asking. I said I need to study for my finals, but clearly isn't good enough. Finally I just said, "sure, if you want me to fail I'll come- otherwise I need to stay home." I'M SO MAD NOW!
I was at her house since early yesterday afternoon with my ferrets. Yesterday was great, had a really good day and night. Of course I ate a lot, which was very uncomfortable and still is, but I wasn't going to argue or fight because the slightest bit of moving my food aroud on my plate would get questioning from her. And then she practically forced me to drink wine? Who does that? Then this morning, literally as I was getting out from bed she said, "you need to eat breakfast now". Could I of least gotten out of the bedroom yet? I didn't finish the milk in my cereal bowl and she nagged me as to why not. I never have liked drinking the sweet milk at the bottom, ahhhh. and lunch it was like a full meal...big german sandwich, veggies AND freaking dessert. It was way too much for any normal person.
I feel like I have helped her so much this weekend but nothing was noticed. I spent 3 hours working on the music for next weekends regatta and all she did was say that I am always on the computer and am lazy. She asked me to do this! I was also working on my unknown project for micro and I got the same song and dance.
Am I upset because I really am or because I feel I need to because of the next two weeks? I feel like I am because I truly am, but at the same time now I always wonder if I really am or if its just because I am making myself that way. I hate the way my mind thinks now- it was already so busy before and now its just busier. I didn't think it would be possible for it to be contaminated with so many endless wandering thoughts.
I was finally able to leave my parent's house. She asked me if I could come back tomorrow and is still asking. I said I need to study for my finals, but clearly isn't good enough. Finally I just said, "sure, if you want me to fail I'll come- otherwise I need to stay home." I'M SO MAD NOW!
Replies
your mum sounds like the female version of my dad, seriously, I try to spend as little time as possible around him.
I don\'t know much, but I do know overbearing parents. And she is either incredibly lonely, stressed about something in her life, or depressed. Parents tend to become overbearing and controlling over their kids when things seem to be spinning out of control for them in some aspect. They will always see us as their little ones, and believe they know what is best for us. Because hey, they are the parents. Be confident in setting boundaries with her and letting her know that you have limitations, you have foods you dislike - no you don\'t have to drink sugary milk if you plain and simple don\'t like it - and you don\'t have to be apart of stressful situations. She\'s your mom, ya, and you lover her, but you don\'t have to bow down and address questions you don\'t want to. She has no right to pry, and you have every right to only share what you want to share. If being in her home or around her causes a stressful situation, then don\'t go there. There will always be reasons WHY you feel like you have to be there or to commit to her wills, but at the end of the day it\'s your mental health that is the biggest issue. If she wants to have a hissy fit and be all nagging and not try to understand, then cut her out. This disorder is about understanding and compromise from everyone involved. If she is not willing to educate herself in healthy eating habits, or attempt to \"walk a mile in your shoes,\" then step back until she does.
It hurts me to say this but sometimes the best medicine for us is to leave our loved ones behind. Love is a dangerous thing, and sometimes it can be what breaks us. I live literally on the other side of North America - a whole country divides me from my mother - and that has probably made all the difference.
Take a stand. Write her a letter or a note sharing your limitations, your boundaries, what bothers you about her attitude, and tell her if she is not willing to work with you, then you will not be around as much.
I am so sorry you are going through this but you have every right to be mad and I think it\'s not because of the next two weeks it because of the current situation... Your mom is not respecting you and taking advantage of you.. And that is frustrating and does hurt.. I think you need to not go over there and keep that boundarie, protect yourself as you know you are at a tough spot with everything and being around your mom when she is acting the way she is doesn\'t help.. It is very hard though I do understand that, I have put boundaries up and try to stand by them but it\'s hard... My sister can start really talking about my body and at that time I know our time is limited and I just tell her I have to leave.. She doesn\'t understand and gets mad but I can\'t handle Ed coming at me that way... Alright sorry that it\'s long I just know how you feel and just wish you didn\'t have to go through it
I know I said it before and I\'m gonna say it again. For your own good you need to stand up for yourself. You are an adult and your mother has absolutely no say anymore. If you don\'t distance yourself you will never get better. She is pulling you down. Very toxic relationship.
you need to stay away, she is toxic and pulling you down
Thank you gals...I always hope for things to get better. For a while they are great, then BAM down the toilet. Sad thing is, she doesn\'t see any of it. So if I say something, I just get knocked down because CLEARLY i\'m making it up. Screw her.
i am glad you stayed away and did not subject yourself to more verbal beat downs!
:( Good for you for getting away from that kinda abuse. that\'s not healthy. Keep your head up. You are smart and you know what you\'re doing! *hugs*
Don\'t let your mom flush all of your great work down the toilet. I do think that you need to set some healthy boundaries with her so that she can either help you or just not say anything at all. Sometimes, despite how much you love someone, they can be poisonous to your well-being and you just need to keep minimal contact with them. It is awesome that you spend time with your mom and help her with stuff but from what you wrote it sounded like you weren\'t being true to yourself and just let your real voice get stuffed down. You have a beautiful voice with thoughts and feelings and she will have to learn to respect that and understand that you are living your own life. Getting a loan to pay for stuff is responsible and very adult and if you have to do that to pay for things then that is great. Yes, no one wants to pay interest or even have debt but you are being responsible and taking care of business. If you don\'t like the way milk tastes from your cereal then you shouldn\'t have to drink it - just say no thank you. I love dessert and am scared of it so maybe a compromise would be to have a bite or two and say I am full and will set the rest aside in case I want it later so you are at least acknowledging what she made but not stressing yourself out by overreating. I am trying to get myself back to eating sushi as I am deathly afraid of rice so if I eat one piece my hubby knows I am trying and is ok with not pushing me. Just a few suggestions if any of them would help. You are doing great and I think you should just stand strong and do what you think is best for Steph right now. This is the time that you need to be strong and selfish in order to beat ED.
Thank you so much Jolie. That means a lot! The funny thing is, the dessert was something I made for them last Sunday!@@! She didn\'t even make the damn fucking thing.