I try to deny....but I still love him.

It's 5:45am, I haven't slept, I can't sleep... I texted my best friend, though she's sleeping and won't see it for hours and I'll be sleeping...but this is what I wrote: 
I miss Adam and I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I miss who we were, together we were something special. I miss confiding in him and sharing everything. I miss everything about him. I try to act like it doesn't bother me but it's killing me. I still love him, I always have and I always will... I would get back together with him if I had the chance... I say the opposite because it hurts...but I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. Slowly I'm falling apart and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm living someone else's life... This isn't me. I really really miss him Ali.... I want him back.... I really just want him back...
 
I miss his smell, his trust, his love. I used to be excited to share stuff I learned with him and he used to get excited about life, about his future. We were going to get married and have kids... I used to sleep in/with his sweaters, I'd alternate so they'd smell like him... I still have one of his sweaters and one of his dress shirts I used to sleep in.. God I miss him. I deny it to myself because if I admit it, it hurts, and if people know they push me to hurt her..to hurt Amanda...but I'm not that girl. I want him to be with me because he still loves me and wants me too.. I want him to miss all the little things like I do...I want him to miss me. I want him back more than anything.