I Self-Harmed
I self-harmed to release some of this anxiety. Burning the skin to about a good second degree burn. Good thing is that the hurt continues for several weeks and I don't get questions... "I'm just clumsy". I have to have a release from my anxiety. The burn feels good. I might do this more.
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No, no, no! Not good. Why did you self harm? That's a bad habit to get into. I cut and burned myself for seven years. I've been clean for four years and I am so glad. Everyday I see my scars and i feel shame. i do not wish that on anyone. Call a crisis line or reach out to someone next time you get an urge, please.
And in the moment I read this, my heart ached for you. Grief takes many forms.
Understanding what you write, knowing the pain you released in the same moment as you made more pain, and wishing that you had someone who could deal the communication in an effective way to reach the hurt way inside.
The burns are second degree so I shouldn’t scar (much). I can feel the burn. It helps.
It doesn't help, you just think it does. And it will end up being something else that cause guilt/shame/pain, etc. Learned Bad Behaviors like Self Harming are not the answer to dealing with Anxiety and Trauma they don't make anything better, they are extremely addictive, and they tend to create a need in you to make them "more","More Often", "More Painful". This isn't something you want to start using as a coping skill...it's really not. It really doesn't help, your brain is tricking you into thinking that.
Thor, I feel your pain. I know that the self-harm is a way of releasing emotion, and even though we feel the pain of our self-harm and it reminds of us our pain, it really is short lived. Please try to find other ways to cope. I’m trying so hard to stop. My therapist suggested when my emotions are at a high that I hold ice in my hand til it hurts, take a cold shower or something that shocks me back into control. Please Thor. We’re here to support you.
So sorry, Thor. I didn't self harm, but since last night was the night before my community college's start with its all college meeting online, I was anxious enough to think about it and so I played the Johnny Cash version of the song "Hurt" which is what it's about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AHCfZTRGiI
It vented the thought for me instead of doing it. It may not work that way for you, though, so I'm posting
TRIGGER WARNING
In case it does help you like it helped me, though, I'll say what helped me. It was the very first line of the song: "I hurt myself today/To see if I still feel:" It let me know that Johnny Cash got it, and that so did the millions in his audience. The reason for the temptation to hurt oneself is to break the dissociation that makes us numb. That being the goal, then, something else that helps us feel can work--like this song.
Forgive yourself, Thor. It happens. We're with you.
Muji - I know the song well and thanks for reminding me. It is not that I am numb but feeling too much, too much anxiety, too much pressure, to much depression. The burns help me to escape my head and concentrate on the burn. It is a pressure relief for me. I feel lighter and that my cares are less pressing. I can run the burn spot when I get anxious again. It is temporary but it gives lasting but diminishing relief.