I Quit Therapy Today...

So I decided today that it was time to terminate therapy. I've been going for two years now and I've learnt so much, I've developed a lot of self control, learnt a lot about myself, gained confidence and crossed a bridge I didn't even know was a roadblock in my way. It was one of the hardest things to do. Not because I need to continue therapy, but because I actually like my therapist. It was so hard to open up to someone, to tear down those walls, but I did. I sat there session after session, I opened up piece by piece and she taught me how to not turn to self-harm to numb my pain, not constantly despise myself, she reminded me how to believe in myself and most importantly, she silenced the inscesent voice inside my head that told me my life was worthless. 

Saying I was ready to stop therapy was one of the hardest things I ever did, I cried my eyes out, during the session and after. It felt just as crappy as breaking up with someone, if not worse. I mean at the end of the day this is someone who's come to know just about everything about me. Someone who has become my comfort zone. But that was also what scared me and pushed me towards ending therapy. I hated having the urge or the need to turn to her everytime I had a problem or every time I panicked, I didn't like linking my grounding to someone, and lately I have been liking my well-being to her and I don't think she knows. I need to know that I will be okay. That I am okay. Without R, without therapy, I can be okay because I can manage and control myself, I can ground myself. She prepared me for that.

But it is painful as hell. I will not deny that. Maybe I am simply an overly emotional person, and maybe the extent of my pain for this goodbye is coorolated to something else, but right now, I don't care. I just know that it hurts, but I just have to get through it. Feel it, acknowledge it, let it pass.

It's a great step, to be at a stage where I no longer need therapy, but it's an incredibly sad moment to lose someone so special in your life.