i place to release my frustration
I’m trying to talk to him about just even considering the possibility that something is going on within him that is not healthy. I haven’t even said bpd just because I’m not a therapist and I can’t say for sure that this is it. But everything makes sense now that I understand that this disorder exists. And I can relate to what a lot of the other SOs of pwbdp have said.
This is so expletive hard! A part of me just wants to leave (which would of course confirm all of his fears and make him feel justified) just because there’s nothing I can do to reassure him of my love and devotion. And do I really deserve the verbal attacks?
I’m trying to learn how to not take things personally. But it’s getting so crazy lately. He’s always told me from the beginning that he was leaving every time one of these events happens. One time, before we were living together, I said FINE and took all of his stuff out of my house and set it on the street next to his car. And an hour later he was back, saying he didn’t want to lose me, and saying that he doesn’t like who he is when he gets this way. He still says this over a year later, and sometimes I just think in my head (or maybe even scream in my head) “then why don’t you do something about it??!!” Other times he has said he was leaving, and of course it has hurt me deeply, but then he’s stuck around, partly because I told him I didn’t want him to go, partly because he wanted to stay. And when I ask him later why he said he was leaving he explains that it’s because he gets passionate and expresses himself, that he’s a scorpio, that he’s Italian. And tonight he told me that he’s tried to leave before but I won’t let him!!!!! AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH.
I’m bad for him. He’s bad for me. That’s all I hear whenever anything goes wrong. I trigger him all the time, but I set myself up for that by disclosing information to him that I would have been a traitor for not disclosing. It’s my fault! Always! Now we’re at the worst we’ve ever been, and I want to get therapy, but this is a threat to him. I want him to get help, but he says I can’t save him, go find someone else to save. He says we can’t go a week without the relationship having problems, but this is because otherwise I can’t bring anything up ever! I can’t suggest anything. I can’t tell him that it hurts to be called terrible things. He’s stuck on these delusions that I want to go hang out with ex lovers just because I USED to be in a social group with one and have since stopped out of respect for him (even though it was hard, and he insists that I didn’t respect him). Sometimes showing cleavage can set him off. My breasts feel like criminals… If I talk to or about a man, he gets upset, but if I talk to or about a woman, he can’t see that there’s a balance to my topics or conversation partners. He says I want to hang out with my exes, that I always talk to or about men, that I behave inappropriately, the list goes on. And he uses these against me, even after I’ve made serious changes to my life! It’s like just because I made a mistake or a misjudgment in the past means that I am constantly doing something TO him. But I’m not! I know I’m not perfect. And I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but if I fight back or get pissed at him then I don’t understand or care about his feelings, I’m disrespecting him and everything he’s done for me, and all this can suddenly turn into justification for why he gets dark and mean.
What am I doing in this relationship?
But then yesterday was so beautiful, such an example of us at our finest. Happy, free, laughing, loving. When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck, I know that he loves me. His touch is so tender. And I know how much I love him. I really hope I can learn how to be with him without it destroying both our worlds. I don’t want him to hate me, or hate women, or not trust anybody. I want him to know that there can be some permanence in his life, and that I am not going to abandon him.
This is so expletive hard! A part of me just wants to leave (which would of course confirm all of his fears and make him feel justified) just because there’s nothing I can do to reassure him of my love and devotion. And do I really deserve the verbal attacks?
I’m trying to learn how to not take things personally. But it’s getting so crazy lately. He’s always told me from the beginning that he was leaving every time one of these events happens. One time, before we were living together, I said FINE and took all of his stuff out of my house and set it on the street next to his car. And an hour later he was back, saying he didn’t want to lose me, and saying that he doesn’t like who he is when he gets this way. He still says this over a year later, and sometimes I just think in my head (or maybe even scream in my head) “then why don’t you do something about it??!!” Other times he has said he was leaving, and of course it has hurt me deeply, but then he’s stuck around, partly because I told him I didn’t want him to go, partly because he wanted to stay. And when I ask him later why he said he was leaving he explains that it’s because he gets passionate and expresses himself, that he’s a scorpio, that he’s Italian. And tonight he told me that he’s tried to leave before but I won’t let him!!!!! AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHHH.
I’m bad for him. He’s bad for me. That’s all I hear whenever anything goes wrong. I trigger him all the time, but I set myself up for that by disclosing information to him that I would have been a traitor for not disclosing. It’s my fault! Always! Now we’re at the worst we’ve ever been, and I want to get therapy, but this is a threat to him. I want him to get help, but he says I can’t save him, go find someone else to save. He says we can’t go a week without the relationship having problems, but this is because otherwise I can’t bring anything up ever! I can’t suggest anything. I can’t tell him that it hurts to be called terrible things. He’s stuck on these delusions that I want to go hang out with ex lovers just because I USED to be in a social group with one and have since stopped out of respect for him (even though it was hard, and he insists that I didn’t respect him). Sometimes showing cleavage can set him off. My breasts feel like criminals… If I talk to or about a man, he gets upset, but if I talk to or about a woman, he can’t see that there’s a balance to my topics or conversation partners. He says I want to hang out with my exes, that I always talk to or about men, that I behave inappropriately, the list goes on. And he uses these against me, even after I’ve made serious changes to my life! It’s like just because I made a mistake or a misjudgment in the past means that I am constantly doing something TO him. But I’m not! I know I’m not perfect. And I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but if I fight back or get pissed at him then I don’t understand or care about his feelings, I’m disrespecting him and everything he’s done for me, and all this can suddenly turn into justification for why he gets dark and mean.
What am I doing in this relationship?
But then yesterday was so beautiful, such an example of us at our finest. Happy, free, laughing, loving. When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck, I know that he loves me. His touch is so tender. And I know how much I love him. I really hope I can learn how to be with him without it destroying both our worlds. I don’t want him to hate me, or hate women, or not trust anybody. I want him to know that there can be some permanence in his life, and that I am not going to abandon him.
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