i need a break!
i used to work at home with him up until the beginning of this year, when i started working as a groomer again, and sometimes over 8 hours a day. i'm wondering if this gives him more room to wonder and worry, since i used to be there 24/7 and now i'm not? and since i've learned that he is probably trying to work out his emotions on his own, this might give him more time to brood, and maybe it's why this last episode was so intense?
i swear, even when i am at work, i just KNOW when he gets upset with me. and usually when this feeling comes i find a text message on my phone that sounds irate. how can i use this to my advantage? to his advantage in a healthful way?
i wonder if i should call him when i'm at work. just to say hi. i mean, if i had the time, i would like to do that, anyway. i could have done that today but i guess today i was so glad not to be at home around all the confused energy. to get a break. and sometimes i feel like that on a regular basis. that it's just nice to be away at work. maybe he picks up on that.
i don't know, i'm obsessing again. i'm tired of us not being close, and i'm tired of fighting him to recognize that he has this problem. so now i am just concrete, solid in what i know to be my own truth, and hoping like mad he comes around. i ordered the BIG 3, walking on eggshells, the walking on eggshells family guide, and, god, what was the other one called? i hate you, i'm leaving, don't leave me, why won't you let me leave you, i hate you, i'm not delusional, stop fucking with me. i think that's the book title.
what if i just read them in front of him? not to trigger him, that's not my intention. but what if he saw that i was reading books that helped me to be with him? but my fear is that he will see the black, and that would be that i was trying to get him diagnosed and medicated and put in a box. i wish there was grey... i can wish that, right? wishing it doesn't mean i don't accept him.
maybe i can just tell him that i am going to go to a coffee shop to read a book that will probably make him feel uncomfortable but that i am doing it because i love and care about him but know this label upsets him so i don't want to learn this stuff in front of him? and then if he leaves me over this he can just pay me back the $32 i spent on the books.
...ha...ha...
i'm so tired.
written last night, but i didn't post it. he slept in the bed last night. i'm glad. this is the craziest ride i've ever been on....
i swear, even when i am at work, i just KNOW when he gets upset with me. and usually when this feeling comes i find a text message on my phone that sounds irate. how can i use this to my advantage? to his advantage in a healthful way?
i wonder if i should call him when i'm at work. just to say hi. i mean, if i had the time, i would like to do that, anyway. i could have done that today but i guess today i was so glad not to be at home around all the confused energy. to get a break. and sometimes i feel like that on a regular basis. that it's just nice to be away at work. maybe he picks up on that.
i don't know, i'm obsessing again. i'm tired of us not being close, and i'm tired of fighting him to recognize that he has this problem. so now i am just concrete, solid in what i know to be my own truth, and hoping like mad he comes around. i ordered the BIG 3, walking on eggshells, the walking on eggshells family guide, and, god, what was the other one called? i hate you, i'm leaving, don't leave me, why won't you let me leave you, i hate you, i'm not delusional, stop fucking with me. i think that's the book title.
what if i just read them in front of him? not to trigger him, that's not my intention. but what if he saw that i was reading books that helped me to be with him? but my fear is that he will see the black, and that would be that i was trying to get him diagnosed and medicated and put in a box. i wish there was grey... i can wish that, right? wishing it doesn't mean i don't accept him.
maybe i can just tell him that i am going to go to a coffee shop to read a book that will probably make him feel uncomfortable but that i am doing it because i love and care about him but know this label upsets him so i don't want to learn this stuff in front of him? and then if he leaves me over this he can just pay me back the $32 i spent on the books.
...ha...ha...
i'm so tired.
written last night, but i didn't post it. he slept in the bed last night. i'm glad. this is the craziest ride i've ever been on....
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