I messaged 'him' - well, "bipolar me" did
A couple nights ago I was having a bit of a rough night, and I decided to rewatch a video I found, it's a girl speaking essentially of date rape but it's button poetry (I believe that's what it's called), but she compares it to being caught like a fish, its not morbid or depressing, it actually gave me comfort having my feelings validated and having what essentially is my story be retold by someone else. I decided to send the video to the guy who did it to me... I sent him this message and I know he saw it yesterday at 4pm (Oct 21)
" If you could recall the day you texted me and asked how I was only to have me lose it on you, and then watch this video, maybe you'll understand. http://www.upworthy.com/he-asked-why-she-just-lay-there-like-a-dead-fish-i-will-never-forget-her-answer?c=ufb1 "
The video is from a site called upworthy, it's definitely worth watching for everyone.
The message I referred to in my message to him went as so:
(5 days later - sept 7)
Me: I shouldn't have to ask, especially considering I didn't want to have sex.. Let alone unprotected sex... But you are clean, right? No STDs?" (4:25am)
Him: "all clean, and you ?" (4:29am)
Me: "Clean." (4:29am)
Him: "How was your night ?" (4:31am)
Me: "Ok" (4:31am)
Him: "Me too" (4:32am)
--same day later on--
Him: "How are you ?" (5:49pm)
Me: "Honestly I'm not okay. I'm not okay with what happened. I told you to stop multiple times. I told you I didn't want anything to happen. I tried to push you away and you wouldn't stop. I gave up fighting you which is the only reason it continued to happen. I went to a different place in my mind until it was over. Next time a girl says stop, you'd better stop. Next time a girl says no, you'd better understand that means no." (6:42pm)
Him: "What ??" (7:03pm)
Me: "What don't you get? I'm not okay with what happened. I gave up trying to make you stop. No means no. Got it." (7:04pm)
--end--
It's been difficult having all this pent up and having to see him, any time I feel it getting to me I have to write, regardless of the time. Weird part for me, is I remember sending him the message, no doubt about that, but I was in a bipolar "state" where I can't bring myself to remember what I was thinking or feeling, it's not the first time it's happened, sometimes I just get so depressed, so angry, manic, what have you that I just..do things.. I'm glad I sent the message but I fear he'll try to confront me in person, it's always a fear of mine.. I have a tendency to day dream but I see horrible things like encounters with him at the bar in various scenarios.
" If you could recall the day you texted me and asked how I was only to have me lose it on you, and then watch this video, maybe you'll understand. http://www.upworthy.com/he-asked-why-she-just-lay-there-like-a-dead-fish-i-will-never-forget-her-answer?c=ufb1 "
The video is from a site called upworthy, it's definitely worth watching for everyone.
The message I referred to in my message to him went as so:
(5 days later - sept 7)
Me: I shouldn't have to ask, especially considering I didn't want to have sex.. Let alone unprotected sex... But you are clean, right? No STDs?" (4:25am)
Him: "all clean, and you ?" (4:29am)
Me: "Clean." (4:29am)
Him: "How was your night ?" (4:31am)
Me: "Ok" (4:31am)
Him: "Me too" (4:32am)
--same day later on--
Him: "How are you ?" (5:49pm)
Me: "Honestly I'm not okay. I'm not okay with what happened. I told you to stop multiple times. I told you I didn't want anything to happen. I tried to push you away and you wouldn't stop. I gave up fighting you which is the only reason it continued to happen. I went to a different place in my mind until it was over. Next time a girl says stop, you'd better stop. Next time a girl says no, you'd better understand that means no." (6:42pm)
Him: "What ??" (7:03pm)
Me: "What don't you get? I'm not okay with what happened. I gave up trying to make you stop. No means no. Got it." (7:04pm)
--end--
It's been difficult having all this pent up and having to see him, any time I feel it getting to me I have to write, regardless of the time. Weird part for me, is I remember sending him the message, no doubt about that, but I was in a bipolar "state" where I can't bring myself to remember what I was thinking or feeling, it's not the first time it's happened, sometimes I just get so depressed, so angry, manic, what have you that I just..do things.. I'm glad I sent the message but I fear he'll try to confront me in person, it's always a fear of mine.. I have a tendency to day dream but I see horrible things like encounters with him at the bar in various scenarios.
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