I'm so sad tonight

I'm so sad tonight.

I found out that a friend, who I know has battled suicidal thoughts for the last few months, recently had a really bad depressive/suicidal episode earlier this week. They were up late and started beating themself up - literally beating themself. Their skin and clothes showed the evidence. I'm so heartbroken. I'm so heartbroken at the way our demons can completely defeat us. This person is so loved and cared for, I hate that their demons make them feel as though they are crap. I don't understand completely what they are going through, I honestly don't even understand an inch of it. My heart is just really hurting tonight.

I was feeling down before I heard about this. Today wasn't a good day. I'm glad I had two good days, but it's hard not to let this bad day ruin and defeat the other good days. It seems this bad day outweighs the two good days. It's crazy how much heavier these feelings of shame and insecurity are than the feelings of contentment and peace are.

I don't want to eat tomorrow. I don't want to. I feel fat. I feel a loss of control. That's what it is. I don't want to be with people. I have literally had to force myself to go to campus events the last two days. Tonight I literally forced myself to get in my car and drive to church. I didn't want to see people. I just feel really ashamed of my body. Ashamed of myself.

I don't want to eat tomorrow. I don't want to eat anymore. It's really hard. Today I listened to a lot of the mean thoughts toward myself. I didn't binge today, but I did eat unhealthy breakfast and dinner and it makes me not want to eat anymore.

It's just a bad night. I'm really restless. I'm really downtrodden. My heart is heavy. I don't want to work this week. I don't want to do the big assignments that await me. 2 papers (one of them 300 points - half of my grade), 2 exams. 1 me. I don't want to go to dgroup or devo. I just want to be by myself. Yet I'm my own worst enemy. It's weird.

I don't.

I don't.

I don't.

I'm not going to try to end this on a light note because no inch of me feels light. That's a lie, I do feel a little light in my heart towards God, but other than that I feel pure heaviness.