I'm not OK right now...

Why am I such a total fucking trashheap? Why does my brain do this thing where it starts insulting me at every turn over the stupidest shit? Why can't I fucking function on a normal human level? Why can't I go out, get shit done, come home and feel fucking satisfied with a day's work for fucking once in my life? I want to feel something other than empty and self hate. I want to feel something like happiness. I want to laugh because I feel happy, not because of whatever fake 'humor' my brain runs on. I want to be angry because I love something, not because someone's attacking me. I want to be sad when I lose something. I want to do all of these fucking things. But no. I'm this stupid fucking husk that can't feel or act under my own fucking power. WHY AM I SO BROKEN?!

 

No, fuck. I just want to be NORMAL! I don't want to be this creature of 'infinite patience' that can stand there and let people hit me and hit me and never see that I've been beaten into the ground. I don't want to be this thing that people look up to rather than the person they think they see. I don't want to be an idol. I want to be ME. I don't even know if there fucking IS a me right now. I don't know who I'm supposed to be, and it's because this fucking depression brain is drowning me.

My heart hurts... my everything HURTS because I'm this fat fucking piece of shit. I can't change my body. I can't change who I am, because I'm fucking always THIS. I keep talking about walking forward and getting out of hell, but guess what, hell remembers. It remembers who I used to be, and it's always FUCKING WAITING