I'm my own road block

I’m starting to feel frustrated with myself.  I have to give myself props for staying sober (2 months! The longest I have ever gone), eating healthfully (although I still eat too much), doing yoga, and being in a house and an environment that brings me peace. 
I have a lot of goals, though.  A ton of ideas.  The main goal I have is to become digitally nomadic and support myself as a freelance writer.  I love to read and research and have always been good at writing, or so I am told.  I think I am an ok writer, but I feel like it can be a tedious process.  When I am in the mood, it is exciting to tease out with words *exactly* what I mean. 
However, when I sit down to write I simply cannot focus for long periods of time.   I start working on a project and then I’ll get sick of it and not want to open the file I was working on.
 I spend a lot of my day preparing food….i brew my own kombucha, make my own hummus, sauerkraut, pesto, smoothies, salad dressings, etc. etc.….i have always been obsessed with cooking and nutrition and now in the past few years I have an eye toward sustainability.   I am back to being vegan and love it so much, my body and mind feel so much better.  I feel at peace when I am in the kitchen, and love that I can creatively express myself there. For two and half years before I came to Thailand I actually worked in 4 different restaurants in the kitchen….and my very first job was a wedding cake bakery when I was 16.  Working in a kitchen is hard work and the restaurant industry is generally very exploitive and low paying, but I learned a lot and am thankful for my experience (but very thankfult hose days are over!).  I love to read recipes and watch food shows (given that cook is not cheesy—which def. eliminates a lot of the shows out there).  Cooking is my passion, that’s for sure.  Right now I am drinking a cabbage/collard green/papaya/banana smoothie with fresh pressed plum juice, mint leaf kombucha and green coffee extract (that I extracted myself).  Hahaha, just throwing together my odds and ends, but it tastes delicious!    
I guess what I’m trying to express is that I feel like I am my own obstacle, and that is a shitty ass feeling.  My friend who actually brought me to the awesome neighborhood where I am living now, is the same age a me (30).  We lived together in college in NYC 8 years ago.  She has traveled the entire world and now is digital nomad and is working on getting her business consulting brand up.  She is very extroverted and intelligent, yet extremely open-minded and hippie.  Everything is effortless for her—learning languages, making money, etc. etc..   Sometimes I just wonder why I can’t do what I say anymore.  I have about 20 article ideas mapped out and I haven’t *really* worked on any of them.  I will sit down to do something and then become distracted and overwhelmed as I think about all the other things I should be doing and all the competition out there and all the effort it would take to produce what I think would be suitable.   So I end up doing nothing productive toward my goals because I get so mired in my doubts.   And then I just want to lay down and do my version of meditation.  I don’t know…..
Another issue I have had here is I don’t really have any friends.  My friend that I just mentioned is actually coming back from Vietnam today, I am picking her up at the airport.  She is my friend, but she is so busy all the time and jet-setting, it’s not the kind of friend I think I need.   Her energy is inspiring, but part of me feels a little inadequate around her I think, although I know she consciously tries to empower me, so it’s not her fault.  I have a few older men here (like 45-50 year old) men here who want to hang out, and they are friendly and cool, but I just can’t bear the idea these days that they are secretly trying to get in my pants.  They are gentlemen about it, but still, I’m over it.  I used to be pretty open about older guys flirting with me (I brush it off and take it as a compliment because the point is they aren’t going to get any, and as long as they aren’t crude, why should I shut them down and make them feel bad?)…..but they just aren’t stimulating enough for me to want to deal with that.  Sure, we have interesting conversations and I always tend to hang out with people older with me, but it’s just not the company I’m seeking.   I have another friend who came over the other night and we did a practice run of her Zumba class, which was cool.  But again, she is like my other friend I just mentioned who is super extroverted and jet-setting.  I had a pretty good Thai girlfriend in the town I was just living in, she spoke the most impeccable English and was a singer/piano player and was just fucking cool, like a hippie.  She was 34 too, which was a cool age, and she had a lot of insight and experience.  I had wanted her to come visit me on the weekends sometime and she wanted to too….but she called and I didn’t pick up and haven’t returned her call.   I kind of have a grudge against her, because she is the one who encouraged me to drink on my most recent (and hopefully last) binge, even after she had seen me get completely blacked out and hit on her boyfriend a few weeks prior when I was drunk and I had told her at length about my problems.  That night she kept insisting I drink alcohol even though I had refused multiple times.  I don’t know, it just left a bad taste in my mouth, even though I’m pretty sure she just didn’t understand and wanted me to have a good time.  STILL! 
I would just like to have a friend or two or preferably a  boyfriend who just chills with me for hours and we do work side by side and just have one on one time.  Someone I could consult with at length about my ideas, and also hold me accountable to them, edit them, etc. etc.    Or a business coach!!  That would be cool too.  I like being alone, but I miss having friends like that.  And people suggest I use this site “tinder” to meet guys here……..and just make sure that my profile says I don’t want random hookups.  My friend Jamila (the Zumba instructor I just told you about) has met a ton guys through it and has showed me her profile and people she is talking to and it seems pretty cool.  I mean, doing tinder here in Chiang Mai would be neat because it’s all kinds of artists and travelers from around the world.  But still, I think I am too awkward for that shit and I think it would lead me to drinking.  I just don’t think I could ever bring myself to use the internet to meet guys. 
Anyway, just musing, hoping if I get this shit out there that it might facilitate some focus.  I know that I have it good…gonna do some yoga (I use online classes and I love them!) then get ready to pick my friend up from the airport.  Been putting off doing yoga today, I feel like my mind can’t focus!  But, they say those are the days you really need to do yoga.
I think next week I am going to go down south here in Thailand to the beaches, just for like 4 or 5 days, before I have start teaching in the middle of May (though I have been doing online teaching—starting in May I will teach kindy part-time just in the morning and then do my online tutoring for 8 hours a week).  I will just stay in a hostel for like 10 bucks a night and chill on the beach and walk around and read.  I viscerally miss the ocean and also I crave traveling.  Although I am here in Thailand, the past few months I have barely done any traveling (I did go to Laos last month to get my visa) and I really, really want to .  I LOVE TRAVELING!  Anyway, luv to you all….