I'm happy, most days..

I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Some days I feel great, I'm happy, happier than I've been in a really long time, I feel on top of the world...yet, there are times when I feel this darkness inside of me, this darkness that I'm always trying to fight off and conquer. A lot of the time, I think that I would be okay with just one drink, I have my self almost completely convinced that I could handle myself because I'm doing so well, and I'm finally happy again, but I have to constantly remind myself that I can't drink. It doesn't matter how happy I feel because the darkness always comes back. I'm now dating the most amazing guy I've ever known, my best friend, and most of the time I am incredibly happy, because my life has finally gotten good, but there's still something...something that wont ever let me be free. Depression is a constant battle, You have to fight, and fight until you die. There's no end to it, but it is possible to control it, to be in power over it, to refuse to let it consume you; I just fear it's beginning to get the upper hand on me again, on a part of me.. It's trying to attack me in my vulnerable state and I don't want to let it. My world calms down at night, I'm no longer busy and that's when my emotions start to take over and the depression starts to hit me. I fear I may have cervical cancer, I wont be getting tested until August and it's causing me to have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, as well the quality of sleep is horrendous. There are days it's hard to keep moving forward, to keep fighting, but there are also days when I'm so incredibly happy and I think about my future.. I think about getting married, and having kids and how amazing my life will be. It's a power struggle.. me versus the depression. With the depression, comes the alcoholism. I hate how some days I can be so convinced that I'm okay to drink that I'm tempted to test myself, I'm tempted to make myself one incredibly weak drink, just to see if I can stop after that one. I know I can't though. If I have one drink on a good day then that will throw away the 100+ days I've been sober, and that will make it all the easier to drink the days that I'm not doing well.. and as soon as I drink when I'm even remotely upset...It's all over from there. I either want to drink, or I want to get high.. I haven't gotten high since before my sister's manic bipolar episode... I guess you could say it was enough to 'scare me straight'. I still crave that feeling though, the feeling of absolute freedom, just being out of my mind for a while.. I want to be able to get high and just sit somewhere and not feel for a while.. Weed isn't addictive, but the feeling you get from it, is incredibly addictive.