I'M HOME
Hi everyone. ,
I'm finally home.My knee surgery was Oct 19th and then rehab for two weeks. OMG, what an ordeal. The physical therapy is really tough. The crazy thing was, the whole time I was in the hospital I hardly felt depressed about Jackie. She was supposed to be with me during this. It was when my sister picked me up and I got in the car I broke down. I was uncontrollable. I couldn't stop crying. Oh how I am realizing that life goes on. I did think in the back of my mind for a split second that maybe i wouldn't come through surgery and that it was meant to be that me and Jackie would be together. But I did. Its so weird and hard to explain to anyone that hasn't lost a child.
I miss Jackie so so much. I know that I am a little better than before. I still cry almost every day and feel that pain in my chest that will probably never go grand away. But I'm forced to go to physical therapy three times a week, and I have to get back to my new normal now. Whatever that is. My grandaughter is here with me now for a few days and she is the best. She's only 11 going on 20. LOL She loves to talk about Aunt Jackie. Its so wonderful for me. The kids miss her alot also.
Anyway, I hope all of my friends on this site are well and getting a little better with each passing day. XXXXX OOOO Gail
I'm finally home.My knee surgery was Oct 19th and then rehab for two weeks. OMG, what an ordeal. The physical therapy is really tough. The crazy thing was, the whole time I was in the hospital I hardly felt depressed about Jackie. She was supposed to be with me during this. It was when my sister picked me up and I got in the car I broke down. I was uncontrollable. I couldn't stop crying. Oh how I am realizing that life goes on. I did think in the back of my mind for a split second that maybe i wouldn't come through surgery and that it was meant to be that me and Jackie would be together. But I did. Its so weird and hard to explain to anyone that hasn't lost a child.
I miss Jackie so so much. I know that I am a little better than before. I still cry almost every day and feel that pain in my chest that will probably never go grand away. But I'm forced to go to physical therapy three times a week, and I have to get back to my new normal now. Whatever that is. My grandaughter is here with me now for a few days and she is the best. She's only 11 going on 20. LOL She loves to talk about Aunt Jackie. Its so wonderful for me. The kids miss her alot also.
Anyway, I hope all of my friends on this site are well and getting a little better with each passing day. XXXXX OOOO Gail
Replies
I\'ve been thinking of you, I remembered that knee surgery date. I\'ve kept you in my prayers. I know what you mean about not coming through surgery, when I had my colonoscopy on the 24th of October I actually hoped I wouldn\'t wake up from the anesthesia and I was extremely upset that night. But since then I had a vision of my April! It lasted only about ten or fifteen seconds but there she was, holding out her arms, glowing, beautiful, so so happy! It was an answer to my prayer. Now, when I grieve, I remember she is well in spirit and loved and cared for tenderly and that she is often here with me. I am reminded when my mind wants to go back to the what if\'s, why didn\'t I\'s, etc. that God prepared me for this at the age of five knowing, in his mercy and great love, that without that awareness I would not have survived this. So who are you going to be now Gail, who am I going to be now....time will tell, we\'re both a work in progress. Keep up the therapy and get stronger physically. Love you.
Jill
First, I want to tell you that I thought the physical pain in my heart would never go away and to my surprise it did..one day I realized it wasn\'t there anymore...It took about 2 years though. I am almost at 3 years (the 23rd of this month)...I still have emotional pain and I think I always will but I thought that about the physical pain too. I don\'t know it\'s just a day by day thing.
I am contemplating getting my knee done also. I have been putting it off for over 5 years now and it\'s getting to the point where I can\'t ignore it anymore. Plus my back was injured this summer so now I have to get that better before I even consider a knee replacement. Another problem I have is my intolerance to narcotics. I can only take Advils for pain.
I too think about not waking up and how happy I would be if that happened...my only living child is in Kazekhstan for 3 years and we don\'t really get along..we have a HUGE problem communicating. It has always been there but has gotten worse since Melissa died....no grandchildren so I figure it wouldn\'t be so bad if I could join her. I don\'t know what my purpose on earth is anymore. I hope your recovery goes as well as is possible. HUGS, Connie
Hi Gail ~
I agree with Jill and Connie. We\'re all works in progress, redefining who we are and what we will do with the rest of our time on earth. I think while you were in the hospital having knee surgery and then in rehab it gave you something to focus on ~ a sense of purpose ~ and that helps tremendously in pulling us at least temporarily away from the enormity of our loss.
As you were leaving the hospital, it all came tumbling back down around you. It\'s kind of like the phenomenon of fighting a cold all week at work and managing pretty well with that and then the weekend comes and ~ boom ~ you\'re in bed feeling miserable! The focus has been removed and now you\'re left with what was lurking beneath the entire time.
Just keep remembering that everything you are experiencing and feeling is \"normal\". There will be times that are excruciating and other times that are really quite okay, even happy. And, like Connie, I can tell you that the physical pain in your heart will lighten and lift. You will long for Jackie but the load will be so much lighter and easier to bear, making it possible for you to focus more and more on the moment.
Thinking of you with peace, comfort and great big hugs ~ Debbie
Jill, i\'m happy that you sound better. I guess it will be a while until we find our new normal but hopefully we are on that road. One day at a time, I tell myself that every morning. Get through today and don\'t worry about tomorrow. Its going to be 6 months Nov. 10th. since Jackie left me. I had my first dream the nite before I left the hospital. Jackie was lying in bed and said mom, I wouldn\'t be here if my head didn\'t hurt so bad so I told her I would come a lay down next to her but I woke up. I wanted to go back to sleep and be able to dream again but it didn\'t happen. Connilla, we all have a purpose on earth. Why our children died before us is a question we will probably never get an answer to. Putting ourselves through the torture of the Why\'s and What If\'s is part of the grieving process. Will it go away, I don\'t know. Don\'t wait too long for the surgery, take care of yourself. XXX OOO
Gail, glad you are doing better...
Hugs MaryLou
Grandchildren are such a blessing, some young ladies are very mature at 11. I\'m glad your knee surgery is over. I pray you have a quick recovery. Yes one day at a time, some are harder and longer than others, but we will make it. I loved hearing about the dream you had of Jackie. I know the few times I\'ve dreamt of Jason I felt like I really was with him and it gave me some peace for a bit. Terry
Gail, I wish you a full and speedy recovery. I know the journey for us moms who have lost a child will be a hard one, but one that leads to healing. Much love to you and Jackie, Linda