I'm back again, don't know for how long though

I wrote a posting on the Bipolar Disorder support group discussion board.  I hope to get some responses.  It was long and rambling, and by the time I had finished it I was crying.  I can't remember the last time I cried over me.  I've been too sad to cry if that makes any sense.  I mean I've cried when dad died, and I cried when mom died, but I can't remember the last time I cried for me.

I read my last entries in 2013.  Not much has changed.  Oh I started smoking again.  I got 2 more cats.  Mom's cat ran away.  That leaves me with four cats now.  I guess I'm going to officially be a crazy cat lady.  It is nice to have something to care about other than myself though, and it's nice when they love on me.

I had a bit of a scare back in August last year.  Looked like I was hitting my 3 year cycle of having another manic psychotic episode cuz I started sleeping less and spending LOTS of money.  I was feeling less depressed and becoming more active.  I immediately doubled my resperdal dosage and notified my doctor.  It was sad to medicate myself down cuz it felt good to start coming out of my depression but I didn't dare run any risk of mania. God this sucks. 

Now I'm back to my regular dosage of resperdal.  My sleep is still one day on and one day off.  I'm having a little bit of trouble spending too much money with online purchases but I'm doing a better job at returning things.

I need friends.  I'm grateful Victor is in my life, and I'm grateful for my brother and his family, but I need friends.  Friends I can be myself around.