I'll Never Be The Same
I will never be the same since my son Ryan died. I am a whole different person now. I feel like I'm in a different world. It will be 4 years in April, since I saw my Ryan. I don't like being without him, it has been a constant battle learning how to wake every morning, with some sort of a positive mind. I must say I cannot do it on my own...I had to let go, and let God...For around 3 yrs, before Ryan died, I had a God in my life, of my own understanding, ...I hated God for along time, for taking Ryan away. (a good 2 yrs) anyway...I had to learn all over again, how to "TRUST AND RELY ON GOD" ...I have to believe the premonitions, coincidences, Mothers intuitions, all these feelings of something... OF THE UNKNOWN... Put the fear, of something was gonna happen, but I don't know WHAT!!!! Now that I have some time behind me, slow by slow, it's almost like putting a puzzle together..GOD ONLY KNOWS!!! I am only 51 yrs old, if I continue to live life in FEAR, there will not be room for LOVE... "TRUSTING AND RELYING ON GOD" gives great LOVE!!! Therefore I cannot live in FEAR at the same time!! It takes constant vigulence,(SP).. It is soooo hard to do, but we have to, for the sake of others....I have to be here to help others through, this very same experiences...It's mI will never be the same since my son Ryan died. I am a whole different person now. I feel like I'm in a different world. It will be 4 years in April, since I saw my Ryan. I have a knew purpose in life!!! like it or not.. Love to you, Kelly
It is better to love ... and help others !
It is better to love ... and help others !
Replies
I remember when I first had the dream that my son was going to get cancer and I begged God not to let it be true. Off and on for 12 years I would have that dream creep back into my night mares. But I kept telling myself that I would not live in fear that I would walk in faith and believe that God would not allow my son, my only son to get cancer. Especially after the life I had all ready had. So for 12 years I laughed, I enjoyed and just kept on moving and loving my wonderfull son. 12 years and 9 months and 5 days my worst dream my worst night mare (MY FEAR) came true. Tammie
We all become different after our child dies. We all have a different life than the one our child was in. But being a different person doesn\'t have to be a bad thing. We must do what we can to make sure that no matter who we have become, we are honoring our child by being the best we can. hugs j
I know I have change since Suzie left and I know I will never be the same. But today, the reality of how the entire family has changed hit home. We do not seem to have hopes and dreams anymore, just existing to get through the day. hopefully time will make that better. I too live in fear and must stop watching the news. It seems everything is bad out there in the world today. I try to focus on faith but some days even that is hard. Hugs kay
Kelly,
You show a lot of insight into your feelings. I must disagree with the statement of not being able to live with fear and love. We can combine Love with any emotion because it is so strong.
We have all changed and we would have changed whether our children died or not it is something that evolves. I think many moms focus on the person we used to be and think they would still be that person and the answer is no they would not. We have the opportunity to change into a more positive person, a compassionate person, a more soulful person, a person the gives with our hearts and appreciates the positive that comes back to us, we can now be teachers , we can reach out and touch another person at a level that has never been available to us before...and we can do all this in the name of our children. Hugs, Inga
I to have found that since Mitch was killed almost 4 years ago I live in fear of who is next. My brother was killed at age 45 when he was driving his motorcycle to work and an 18-wheeler pulled out in front of him , he was killed instantly, only ten minutes after he kissed his wife and two little girls good-by. He was killed in 2004 and Mitch was killed in 2006, they were killed on the same road only a half a mile apart.When you lose your child or children it changes everything you believe in, it changes who you are. I have to work very hard at not letting the fear consume me. I try to focus on all the positive I have in my life, my husband, daughter and three beautiful grandchildren.You are so right, helping others is the greatest way to take our minds off our own pain, keep up the good work, love, Charlene
I lost my Scotty in April as well.......... maybe we can be a support to each other. What you said really is the truth, the good book says \"Perfect love casts out all fear\"........... it\'s been an encouragement to me. I hope to be an encouragement to you!!! God Bless You !