I'll Never Be The Same
I will never be the same since my son Ryan died. I am a whole different person now. I feel like I'm in a different world. It will be 4 years in April, since I saw my Ryan. I don't like being without him, it has been a constant battle learning how to wake every morning, with some sort of a positive mind. I must say I cannot do it on my own...I had to let go, and let God...For around 3 yrs, before Ryan died, I had a God in my life, of my own understanding, ...I hated God for along time, for taking Ryan away. (a good 2 yrs) anyway...I had to learn all over again, how to "TRUST AND RELY ON GOD" ...I have to believe the premonitions, coincidences, Mothers intuitions, all these feelings of something... OF THE UNKNOWN... Put the fear, of something was gonna happen, but I don't know WHAT!!!! Now that I have some time behind me, slow by slow, it's almost like putting a puzzle together..GOD ONLY KNOWS!!! I am only 51 yrs old, if I continue to live life in FEAR, there will not be room for LOVE... "TRUSTING AND RELYING ON GOD" gives great LOVE!!! Therefore I cannot live in FEAR at the same time!! It takes constant vigulence,(SP).. It is soooo hard to do, but we have to, for the sake of others....I have to be here to help others through, this very same experiences...It's mI will never be the same since my son Ryan died. I am a whole different person now. I feel like I'm in a different world. It will be 4 years in April, since I saw my Ryan. I have a knew purpose in life!!! like it or not.. Love to you, Kelly
It is better to love ... and help others !
It is better to love ... and help others !
Replies
I really understand what you are saying about the fear, knowing something was going to happen, and the continued fear of losing someone else I hold dear. I prayed for Tim everyday, that he would find the strength he needed within himself to successfully deal with his addiction, and I haven\'t been able to bring myself to pray since he died. It really shakes your foundation and the beliefs you felt comfortable with and depended upon before losing a child. And it does make you question your purpose in life and wonder \'what\'s the point of all this?\'
It\'s comforting to know that I\'m not alone in these feelings--I hope you find some comfort in knowing other moms understand how you feel. Thanks for sharing your thoughts--sending you a big hug. Diane
Kelly, I think we have all had these exact feelings...I did not know how to approach God in those first few months but I did anyway. I was angry and did not hold back. Read the book of Psalms....King David was really venting many emotions when he wrote, especially anger. It is good not to hold onto anger and become bitter. You sound like you know your way and that you are on solid ground. Let go and let God.....it is what we have to learn to do as we stumble along this sorrowful path. I pray you will have peace. Four years is such a long time to go without seeing your Ryan....I am wishing my life will speed on by so it won\'t be so long before I see my Brandon. God be with you. Love and courage...dale, brandon\'s mom
Angry, I remember punching the back of my couch, crying uncontrollably, and saying in my mind \"No, a thousand times over - no this did not happen to me, not my son\", and yet the hellish nightmare was reality and I just pushed through a fog in my first year - I\'ve no idea - the second year as well - the pain not ending - coming up to three years this August seems unbelievable in my mind - I can\'t tell you where those three years of my life went - I\'ve existed through them, functioning, and breathing - but living - not really - I have changed as well. Love & hugs to honey, you\'re son was so handsome and I\'m sure he is watching over you with love.
Why us? If somebody\'s child had to die, why did it have to be one of ours? Very selfish thoughts, but very real thoughts. I wouldn\'t want anyone to go through the loss of a child, but I don\'t want my child to be gone-I want my child here, with me, now. And it\'s been 8 years since she\'s been gone. I have survived this long and will continue to survive, I suppose, but I don\'t like it without Denise in my life. I do find comfort in the thought of seeing her again one day. May you one day find peace in your daily life. Truly, your friend, Barb
I understand the fear. After losing two sons, I have a dreadful fear of losing my only surviving child. My daughter. I try to push that fear back, but sometimes it sneaks back in. Hugs, Barbara
Dear sister,
I understand better than I want to. I sometimes feel the fear as a fear/panic like I can\'t keep going on if the rug can be ripped out from under me like this all the time. It feels like a sizable chunk of our own soul dies with our child. It makes me wonder how all the moms\' in Haiti are coping?
But we can go on and God gives us Himself and each otherso hang in there we need you!
Hugs & blessings, w
I know how you feel. I had been worried about Cindy for some time & then this tragedy happened. I worry about my other 2 kids & have fears something will happen to them. It\'s a scary world & I feel very vulnerable now. God Bless us all. Hugs Susan
I feel as though fear ran my life..You know the feelings, Quilt, Shame, Anger, Frustration, all those toxic worrys & fears..I remember all those horrible feelings, as long as I can remember. I have glimpes of being 3 years old or so. My oldest brother told me, he remembers when I was little, I would stare at people with my big brown eyes..I was so shy, and afraid of people...Fear ran my life..They say we can\'t feel fear & love at the same time..WoW! thats a Hard one to grasp...I loved my kids with all my heart, but yet lived in fear... I don\'t know where I\'m going with this, so I\'ll quit babbling.lol.. I get to Deep sometimes....I know you all know what I\'m saying... Thank you for the comments my friends..and have a nice day! love, Kelly
I still have twings of the fear, especially if a surviving child doesn\'t call or is sick but for the most part, I\'m okay. I did the why me thing and finally came to the conclusion why not me, I am and was no different than anyone else so why not me. Tough and you are right we are not and never will be the same. I pray I\'m better, more understanding, more empathtic now less judgemental as I now know everyone has a story and I\'m not sure before I did. I still live my life in the before and after though. I\'m thinking that one will never go. Wishing you a better tomorrow. Love and hugs Cathy
How hard it is to face another day without our children. I asked God, \"How did this happen to me, to my family, my grandchildren & most of all to Eddie.\" I asked God, \"Where is my favor as your child, my protection?\" My son was a Christian too. I guess I realized that this horrible thing shouln\'t have happened to me or anyone. I wouldn\'t wish this grief & pain on anyone.But things do happen. I feel my protection is that after losing Eddie, my only child 6 months ago that I an surviving & am here to help my daughter in law & grandchildren. My gifts from God & my son are wonderful supportive friends in my life including all of you. My Christian belief that I will see him again according to God\'s word, John 3:16. It seems to long to wait, but I will be with him again for eternity. Till then I ask God to help me carry this burden & eventually heal. I have gotten some signs & I relish them. But losing a child. A lot for us mere mortals to bear. Love to you. Linda
No you can\'t live in fear. Wishing peace for you.. Love, Mary Kay
Love and hugs friend...Karen
I really know how you feel. Mark was a risk taker so I was always fearful for his safety. I guess you could say my life has been ruled by fear also. My worst fear was realized so i don\'t know that it was so very wrong to be fearful. Now i am in a constant fearful state about my older son, his well being and safety. I also worry about my husband\'s safety. My life has proven to be full of land mines so I feel I have the right to be worried. The only thing I pray for is that i am the next one to go in my family. I couldn\'t bear losing anyone else. Sandi
I to fear something will happen to my daughter. Its hard not to let it consume you. I know my grandkids help me with their innocent lives. They understand more than some adults do. Be brave You have all of us.. Penny
I\'ve heard so many times in my life that fear and faith cannot co-exist. In the beginning I was filled with fear, fearful that this will happen again. I too wasn\'t able to trust in life. At times I still am fearful, but i always think of that phrase and do my best to focus on the faith...focus on the love. Love to you. Robin