I just feel like writing... (it's long..and ramble-y)

First off... please ignore any grammatical errors... i'm usually really OCD about it, but honestly i couldn't care less right now... I just need to express myself, get it out.. rambling, venting.. call it what you wish.. I just feel like a weight has been lifted every time i'm able to write publicly, and express myself openly while knowing that i still have my confidentiality (particularly from my family). 
I've been having a hell of a week... I've been fighting depression and fighting the urge to drink, which is extremely hard at christmas... Everyone around me is partying and having a great time..and all i want to do is drink and drown my sorrows and just forget everything.. forget the pain, forget the hurt, just forget... I've been through grief counselling to help me work past my post traumatic stress disorder caused by being sexually assaulted by a 21 year old when i was only 12. I suffered severe depression...and I became severely suicidal, i made attempts on my life various times in various ways...pills being the number one method.. There is no doubt in my mind that i'm going to have liver problems in my future... I try to avoid taking pain killers as often as possible but this is an issue for me as i live in pain... i suffer from a lot of physical problems.. tendinitis is the main one..in my entire body...and it's really, really bad.. my bones snap like twigs (11 broken thus far), i'm horridly accident prone (i sat down and fractured my wrist, accidentally hit my nose on my (now ex) boyfriends shoulder & fractured it).. a small glimpse of my issues.. i also injured my hip during the summer, it hasn't fully recovered and has caused me a lot of pain.. and a lot of issues.. and my both my knees have cartilage deterioration.. Essentially, my life has become just dealing with pain.. just trying to ignore it and deal with it.. there are certain pills i struggle to take now because i took them so often before when i was trying to kill myself that the mere thought of them triggers my gag reflex... (candy coated pain killers). As i write this im actually in excruciating pain in my right hand (dominant hand), it's all in my fingers, my hand, wrist, all the way up my arm to my elbow and i can guarantee by the time i'm done the pain is going to have continued up to my shoulder..as it always does... pain killers don't work anymore, i built up a ridiculous tolerance to them, so i just don't bother anymore. well that was a long blurb about pain.. hadn't intended on writing about that so much... i know this is really jumpy, it's not my usual writing style.. i'm really all over the map right now just writing anything that comes into mind as i fight tears back.. some days i feel like my body hates me and wants me to suffer.. this time last year i was in excruciating pain, it was a cramp like pain but completely different that usual menstrual cramps and no doctors could figure out what it was...not until i was in the hospital, in excruciating pain on new years at 4:30am (called for an ambulance at 2am) and i miscarried a baby i didn't know i was carrying at...well, probably around 8:30am...in the hospital washroom.. but i say i feel like my body hates me some days because it's manifesting the same pain i felt back then... i know it's not real, so i'm trying to ignore it, but it's not an easy thing to ignore.. it just constantly reminds me of what i've been through... what i was going through this time last year... knowing that i had a baby in me...knowing that it died inside of me...that it damn well could have killed me because of where it was... it's a terrifying thought and it scares me, and the part that hurts the most is the fact that my baby died inside of me... i'm pro-choice, 100%.. and i know some people may not believe in it, and that's your opinion completely, i'm not here to say you should be, im just stating my opinion in my journal. Had i known i was pregnant...had it been a standard pregnancy, in the uterus like it's supposed to be rather than in my tubes, i can honestly say if it hadn't taken care of itself...i would have taken care of it... and i would be in support groups for abortion... and seeing a counselor for abortion rather than a miscarriage.. either way it hurts. it was a part of me, and it hurts to know it's gone.. and it hurts to know that it may have cause damage, and it may have limited my chances of getting pregnant.. my current girlfriend and i have discussed having kids together.. but she already has a 2 year old daughter and isn't particularly interested in giving birth again (and i'm the girl in the relationship) but we've discussed me carrying her baby with sperm from a friend-donor (our friends are amazing and have offered), but.. surrogacy and in-vitro fertilization are difficult in themselves...and i want to have a baby.. but i'm afraid that my previous pregnancy and miscarriage have limited my ability to get pregnant even more so now.. my damaged tube, as well as my ridiculous amount of injures and physical disabilities will likely cause my problems in the future... all things i've brought up with Jessyka and she's happy to adopt, as i would be too, but i would love for us to have a baby of our own.... the reason i wouldn't be using my own eggs for the baby is my genes are horrid... many genetic health problems... my mom is currently struggling with Lupus, has had 3 heart attacks & open heart surgery, has been extremely sick the past month..coughing so much she tore a muscle in her abdomen and was in the hospital... it's been a really hard month, a hard past year really... in the summer of 2011 my boyfriend's stepdad died, my childhood cat died, and my aunt died of lupus (not biologically related, but she was in much better condition & younger than my mom).. it was all within a couple months of each other, to the extent that it took me so long to fully absorb each and every incident in themselves... Blake hit me first, my boyfriends stepdad, hit me first, and probably the hardest.. i didn't know him all too well, but we were getting there and i had seen him the morning before his accident..and i remember, and will never forget the night we found out he was dead.... "Blake was in an accident.. he's dead" those words will haunt me forever... the words my boyfriend said to me when he walked back into the living room after being on the phone with his mom in a different room... I helped plan his celebration of life, we went through pictures, met with the service planner, made a soundtrack to be played...it was extremely hard, but it helped me to bond with Adam's mom and little sister. As for my cat, Fluffy (how original, i know), we noticed one day that no one had seen her... all of a sudden she was just gone and it took me a long time for that one to hit... but when it did i had a meltdown.. i was distraught.. but i got past it, as i always do. I wasn't extremely close with my aunt.. i found her on facebook and tried to build a connection with her as i knew she wasn't too well, and i thought she may enjoy hearing from her niece, or, ex niece? my biological uncle and her divorced many many years back and they became friends again. I attended her celebration of life and held it together up until i saw my cousins crying... my cousins who i am fairly close with.. it broke my heart to see them so upset. but, again.. got past it, moved on and i was okay. but.. december came, i got pregnant, and didnt know until i was in the hospital having a miscarriage.. and here we are, im severely depressed trying to get past the fact that a year ago i was pregnant, and now all of my friends are pregnant, just had babies or have really young children.. so as much as i want to be happy for everyone..it's so hard to be around them, so hard to see everyone so happy having kids and being pregnant... it's not easy to be around when your suffering depression because of having a miscarriage... Thinking back to what i've written... there's still so much i haven't even touched on.... i was bullied for years.. i became anorexic then bulimic, depressed, suicidal.... i was sexually assaulted twice, physically and mentally abused by en ex, who i can proudly say i dumped not long after he kicked me the first time.. he left a 4 inch long bruise along my shin..completely black and purple.. swollen... it was a nightmare and i had to go to europe on a school trip with it, trying to conceal it with makeup and nylons for formal outings.. i've struggled with alcohol abuse as well.. i still have my alcoholic tendencies, and it's taking every fiber of my being not to crack open the vodka or whiskey and just drink..and drink..and not stop... I allow myself to drink socially when i'm overall happy, no depression, no anger, no alcoholic cravings, nothing, and i wont ever drink alone..because that's how it started, i got comfortable drinking alone, and when life started tearing me down i continued to drink alone and hide alcohol anywhere and everywhere i could.. especially in my bedroom in my collection of stuffed animals.. My girlfriend Jessyka knows of all these problems, and i had asked her to come out to see me for new years (she lives 3-4 hours away-including a ferry ride) because i really didnt want to spend new years alone.. i knew it would be a bad idea, i knew i needed to be with someone who would make me happy...and she was excited to come out and party with me...yes..party...she wanted to go out to clubs and get really..really.. drunk... and i tried to hint to her that i wasnt really excited about it as she was... until eventually i came out and told her i dont really feel like partying and i told her to stay home for new years.. and then a couple of days ago i mentioned i cant drink this year and she made the comment of "oh, not even if i come out and see you?" and i had to tell her no.. not even if you come out.. because i have a serious problem and she knows, she fought with alcoholism before as well... she's okay now, and i'm really proud of her, but it helps that she can understand where i'm coming from, but at the same time i think she has trouble understanding that i do still have a problem, i do still fight depression on occasion.. but i can happily say i haven't had suicidal thoughts for a long time, and i haven't intentionally harmed myself in a long time either-not saying i haven't come close tho.. but i got past it and i was okay! i always am.. but it's the alcohol abuse that i feel i need the most help with, the alcohol and the miscarriage... because the miscarriage has caused me so much pain... and so much hurt... and it's almost pushed me to drink which is a terrifying thought for me... 
it is now 4:45am... i didnt sleep well last night..i couldnt stop crying..and even tonight i want to keep writing, but as i said above, the pain is excruciating, and quite unbearable... it's moved up to my shoulder as i knew it would, but it's also started up in my left hand as well now too.... if anyone out there has tendinitis and happens to read this and knows something other than anti-inflammatories that works..please.. let me know... the medication doesn't it's job as well as it used to... 
if you actually read the whole thing, thank you, i'm quite impressed and quite appreciative.. i just feel better getting it out.. i feel like i could keep writing for hours still tho...

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

acinorev, keep writing as this help you to cope. I read it all and I\'m so sad for your painful losses. As for any suggestions for tendinitis, other than what you\'ve already tried, try stress vitamins (you can shop online at health supply stores), eat a health diet rich in veggies and fruits, avoid alcohol and caffiene products, do some walking and light weight lifting, and there is so much more for you to try; however start with these ideas and let\'s see how you feel afterwards...

Aelle
acinorev92
acinorev92

Awe Aelle, you\'re so sweet to read & respond to all my journals.. I have cut alcohol out completely again, officially 1 week sober today! As for caffeine, I don\'t drink that often either.. So that\'s beneficial! I have tried to eat healthier as well, trying to really take care of myself & keep my diabetes under control..it\'s not bad, I can eat pretty well anything I want, but I don\'t want it to get worse in the future. Thank you again for reading everything hunny, you are such a dear, sweet friend.

Love acinorev
deleted_user
deleted_user

My pleasure!!

Aelle :)