I have finished The Hunger Fix...

That's right, I have read the entire book, including the appendices Didn't see the need to do more then skim in a couple points; the receipes and parts of stages 2 and 3 for example. It will be a month before stage 2 and likely no less then 14 months before stage 3, so it made more sense to take in the most relevant information with greater focus and then speed through the rest. And now that I'm done, it's time to really dive into the plan. For the next week I will perform a shit ton of introspection and set up the next 4 weeks in incredible detail. The goal of this journal entry is to work through Dr. Peeke's recommended preperations for detox and assign one for each day of the week. 

1) Finding My EpiphaME: Motivation is hard, epecially in regards to developing healthy habits. The EpiphaME is a concept established by Dr. Peeke as the point of reference for the rest of the journey to recovery. It will be the reason I start and continue on in the face of obsticles and my own brain. The first part is complete the chart included in the book to see if I'm truly ready for a commitment to my journey. Part two, is determining the EpiphaME. Her recomendation is to complete the following exercise; 1) Identify an important healthy FIX; a new behavior or habit that will be a healthy first/next step. 2) Take responsibility for your role: list the behaviors the currently hinder my ability to do the new healthy FIX. 3.a) Fill in your fears: list my fears and worries about the new healthy FIX that might throw me off. 3.b) Determine the commitments and obligations that compete with your healthy FIX: flip the previously listed fears inside out to become statements of affirmation. 

2) Create Your Hunger Fix Video Journal: Dr. Peeke advises to keep a video journal for the entierty of Stages 1 and 2. Honestly, I'm more comfortable with this journal and typing every day. But I will create a video entry to start because a) there will be video record of my current weight and b) she recommends ranting and raving or whatever helps and I can verbally work through some of my past hold ups and hopes for the future and then go back and listen. Plus, there are somethings that I don't feel comfortable revealing on the internet such as some very specific anger and trash talk about beloved family members. 

3) Gather your False Fix Health History: This is an Epigenetic Profile listing everything from age, height, and weight to occupation to family medical history. It will give me a good idea of where I'm at and what I'm working against. 

4) Take the yale Food Addiction Scale Survey: This is exactly what it sounds like and I've already completed it. Yes, I have an addiction. Next! 

5) Take a False Fix Food Inventory: I do not want to do this. Not in the least. But I'm determined to commit 100% to this program and only make changes based on better data and approved by my step-mother. Things like 3 meals a day instead of 5 or 6 and full fat dairy instead of fat-free. Anyway, back to the Inventory. In this activity, I'll list the foods I eat most often and the foods that make up my worst binges. Then, using a calorie counter, determine how calorie overloaded my typical day and binges can be. It will require a lot of drudging up memory that I don't like thinking about in the first place. But Dr. Peeke takes the time to say "you're going want to skip this but don't" so it shall be done!

6) Identify Your Motivation Mantra: It's a phrase or a number or three words to help motivate me when things get rough. I already use "I am enough" to help with moments of poor self esteem or depression or anxiety. I'll need to come up with a phrase (should work best, numbers wouldn't have enough meaning to be effective, and 3 words strung together would be clunky in my mouth and therefore ineffective) that serve the same purpose for food addiction. Her standard mantra is "Big brain, small waist" but it doesn't role off my tounge and is a little too focused on appearance for my poor self esteem to find useful. 

7) Clear Out Your Cupboards: Basically, remove any food that is procesed or refined. Too many ingredients, a lot of sugar, canned items, and anything particularly triggering for me. Won't do this until Friday night since I'm starting on Saturday and I need to eat in the meantime. 

Alright, 4 has already been completed, so I can check that off. 1, 3, and 5 are time consuming and either emotionally charged or relatively monotonous or both. It makes sense to get them out of the way on a day when I have time to get them done and is otherwise mostly stress-free. That basically leaves the rest of today and tomorrow when I have very few plans and it's the weekend. I'll get the worst over with first and do the calorie count (5) today and get 1 and 3 done tomorrow. 2 needs to wait until my brother leaves. I'm more comfortable with him being here but not enough to do a full emotional tell all. Monday night will work. 7 is already set for Friday night. 6 needs time to percolate. I'll work on it through out the week, let it simmer on the back burner. If I haven't come up with something by Thursday night, I'll sit down and bang it out by force.

There are two things that aren't part of the official list but still necessary. I need to plan out my meals for week one and decide on my prefered exercise program. I'll plan the menu Wednesday and make a final decision on the exercise Tuesday. I think I know what I want to do already, but a little more reasearch won't hurt. In summary:

Saturday: 5

Sunday: 1 & 3

Monday: 2

Tuesday: finalize exercise program

Wednesday: finalize week one menu and shopping list

Thursday: 6 if not already complete

Friday: 7

Wish me luck!

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While it took me a few hours to work up to it, I have completed my calorie count. I'm not putting the whole list of foods down but needless to say, there are many chips, Starbucks, Domino's, and Five Guys. (This is why I'm always out of money at the end of the month.) According to the internet and Dr. Peeke, as a 5'4" 23 year old woman, my daily calorie count should be approximately 1200-1400, so I'm calculating at 1300. On a generalized average day, I was eating maybe 1931-2721 calories a day. Some days were less, especially if I was fasting of course. Others would have been more. But on average, I have probably been consuming 631-1421 extra unecessary calories a day. On a binge day, assuming the worst, I could apparently consume up to 5800 calories!!! That's four thousand five hundred calories more then what I'm supposed to be eating!!! Plus, I just realized that isn't including the 1/2-2 Monster energy drinks that I sometimes drink; another 50.5-202 calories a day!

I'll be honest, this is not having the emotional impact it was probably meant to. I can see how far off these numbers are but it's hard to relate it back to my weight, to make it personal. Of course, now that I say it, I'm kinda feeling the problem. I just overate Five Guys (little burger and large fry) as a "last meal" (yes I'm justifying, don't judge me) so I'm feeling heavy and bloated and I've started imagining that every calorie over 1300 essentially turns directly into fat cells. Obviously, that's massively simplifying the science, but it's increasing the impact so I'm going with it. Next step, finding a fitness app or a basic calorie counter going forward. 

I refuse to obsess over how many calories I'm consuming. BUT, I figure, as I plan a weekly menu (which will mostly mean the same thing breakfast, lunch, and dinner everyday for a week) I can calculate those daily menus, make sure it's in that 1200 range. So, here's the ideal schedule. Plan the menu, calculate calories, and shop on Saturdays. Prep for the week and clean my apartment on Sundays. Then eat the planned meals, exercise daily with a program TBD, and be in bed TO SLEEP between the hours of 9:30pm and 6:30am. This is a gooood plan. Now lets see if I can stick to it!