I hate everything about today and I want it to end
I talked about the abuse in therapy today. Okay I don't totally hate that part. It was nice to release a few things. I just... Left with a bad feeling.
And then my mom stressed me out. I was standing right next to her when she slammed a pan on the counter, and it scared me. And then she slammed like three more pans and I wanted to scream at her because I told her all that unnecessary noise upsets me, but she makes no effort to be more quiet. And so I had to walk away and push the feelings down, as I always do, because I'm not allowed to show anger, or she will scream at me.
So that whole thing kind of pushed me over the edge and I cried and I cut. i hadn't cut in months and I was doing so well... And all I could think about was how much i wanted to go deeper and bleed more and that scared me so i stopped. And then my mom came home with my niece and she came to me and in the cutest little four year old way asked me to play a game with her. So I pushed everything down, once again, and put on my Happy Fun Aunt face and played with her.
And then I had dinner with my family. I have to keep holding things back and it just sucks because it results in me hurting myself.
And then my mom stressed me out. I was standing right next to her when she slammed a pan on the counter, and it scared me. And then she slammed like three more pans and I wanted to scream at her because I told her all that unnecessary noise upsets me, but she makes no effort to be more quiet. And so I had to walk away and push the feelings down, as I always do, because I'm not allowed to show anger, or she will scream at me.
So that whole thing kind of pushed me over the edge and I cried and I cut. i hadn't cut in months and I was doing so well... And all I could think about was how much i wanted to go deeper and bleed more and that scared me so i stopped. And then my mom came home with my niece and she came to me and in the cutest little four year old way asked me to play a game with her. So I pushed everything down, once again, and put on my Happy Fun Aunt face and played with her.
And then I had dinner with my family. I have to keep holding things back and it just sucks because it results in me hurting myself.
Replies
girl. you dont need to cut...i know the want, its not easy to get rid of....but you can do it. dont give up on yourself..and me, i would miss you
I\'m so sorry you\'re feeling this way and I totally understand I do! I was Never allowed to be but happy and if I wasn\'t it was Always what\'s the matter with you? I could NEVER Be Sad or God Help me Mad!!! I WASN\'T ALLOWED TO FEEL THOSE THINGS!! I Feel for you girlfriend. And I\'m here if you need me. Ok? ((((((Hugs))))))) hope to hear from you soon and that you\'re ok.
That\'s really good that you were able to talk to your therapist about the abuse. That was a really brave thing for you to do- opening up and letting yourself become vulnerable. I hope that they\'ll be able to help you with your feelings. Things will take time. I\'ve found myself that its hard to heal.
I can completely relate to the pan slamming thing... My boyfriend and his family are very LOUD people... unnecessarily so at times, and that triggers me. What works for me is just trying to walk away and find somewhere quiet when they get like that, or trying to reaffirm to myself that I\'m safe if I feel escalated.
I hope that you can find somebody that\'s safe who you can express your feelings around, because keeping it all in is a shitty feeling. Faking it to get through sometimes is fine, but not all the time. Sometimes I just need somebody that I can be real with... I lived with my aunt and she was like that- I lived with a mask on because showing my feelings was wrong. Same with my parents when I lived with them. It sucked. Some people just don\'t really get it... or refuse to believe that life isn\'t always sunshine and cotton candy.
I hope that you\'re doing better now and that you no longer want to harm your body =(... Hang in there.
-Lisa
Why must you hold everything back? Recovery is dependent on being authentic. You\'re hurting yourself because you know you\'re not being real. I\'m sure there\'s a lot I dk and found you off a mutual friends, friends list. I tend to be pretty direct hence this reply. I dk circumstances but know the most important thing for everyone is staying true to themselves and your apparently not...start doing that and the negativity you struggle with will lessen...we pay a heavy price when we don\'t speak our truth. What would happen if you did do you think? Clearly it\'s what your every instinct is screaming at you to do. Speak your truth and let the chips fall where they may...it\'s the ONLY way. Everything comes with a price but sometimes the cost is worth it.... even though I know nothing about you...my every instinct is driving me write what I\'m writing...peace