I Fucked Up

I just read my texts I sent Randa last night. Now I judt want to go hide in a hole. I promised Jess I wouldn't cut before todays concert. So instead of cutting last night I drank... a lot. What the fuck is wrong with me? Randa was in a bad enough place to begin with and I made it worse. I always do this shit. I hurt the people I love because I can't let them hurt me first. I drive them away because I can't deal with anyone leaving me again. I am never goint to get drunk again which should be okay because after today I can go back to cutting. I know Randa won't like it but I doubt she will ever talk to me again. She threatened to move her date up. I can't accept that.  She can't go before I do. she's too beautiful for that and too young. I don't know if she knows this but I had a date set as well.  It was June 14th. I can't commit if she doesn't find someone to look out for her. I can't leave her here with no-one. If you're reading this Randa I am really sorry and I know those words don't mean much but as usual my words and feelings for you is all I have. I love you.