I found a letter I wrote

Occasionally I write feelings down and save them in my phone. Today I was just looking around in my phone and stumbled across a letter I wrote my wife but never sent in June. A couple of months later I feel my thoughts and feelings are still valid, so I'm posting here to remember. 

My wife, 

Recently, I have not been able to talk to you, not only because I've been holding it in, but also because when I've brought up anything of importance you've been super critical and smothered any attempt to open communication. Here it goes anyway.

As the husband and father, I place a priority on and have never hesitated to accept the role as the strength, support, and leadership of this marriage and family. Though it is primarily a responsibility of mine, it is not exclusive to me. I am aware you have had struggles in your life especially in the role as my wife. With everything we have been through I have never stopped loving you. You have always been the love of my life and the one person I want to share the experience of all that the future has in store for me. I treasure being a husband, and I want that but only with you as my wife. I treasure being a father, and I want that but only with you as the mother. I treasure being an uncle, a son, a friend in those situations and I want those but only with you there by my side as my balance and bringing so much more to the experience than I even could have had without you.

But life over the past couple years has taken its toll on me. I put on as brave a face as I can while I endure one battering after another, always trying to protect you and the boys. This load I have carried alone. Now I need help. Serious help.

What is worse is I can tell you have disassociated yourself from me once again. You don't say you love me without prompting and without sincerity or conviction. You don't initiate affection and even kissing is without even the hint of emotion much less passion. I keep trying in hopes something will break through but I feel so alone in every kiss.

All I feel is that you want to be free again. You may be verbally committed to this marriage but I worry the next man to show interest in you will make you think he, not me is the answer to your struggle. Do not chalk that comment up to paranoia or insecurity. I have every reason to feel like that and only time and experience will minimize that. Please understand that with love, and know in your heart I WANT to be secure in us.

I am not telling you all this for you to defend yourself. Regardless of the reasons you have, this is what I am experiencing. I do not understand why my efforts are not helping but I do understand it is not through lack or effort, commitment, or love on my part. Though I love life and would never want it to end prematurely, I can't help but wonder if that would somehow give you relief.

There is no way around it. I need you. I need my wife. I need my best friend. I need someone who cares enough about me as a person to sacrifice to support me in this time of desperate need. Don't contemptuously tell me to look for another job without showing the emotional support I need. Try to understand what I am going through. I know you have said a few things to compliment me but they have little emotion. I used to believe you loved the parent I am. Now I feel I am failing in your eyes. All parents are failing in some way to teenager children but we need to support each other through this extremely difficult stage. We are both trying. We are both failing in someway. We both need to balance each other and love each other through it.

If you cannot do this, I need to know. Our future is more important than anything else.

Writing these words I feel two things. ONE I know that every fiber in my being is crying out for you. To know you really care. To feel a touch of love. To have you ask with deep concern about me. TWO I cringe that you will respond out contempt that I am weak or undeserving. That I am a tremendous inconvenience in your life and you can't believe I'm bringing you down with all this shit.