I forgive myself

Today I feel guilt and shame about how in love I was with someone so amazing and that I still pine for, that I still feel energetically. That I haven't seen in 10 years. I don't know where he is or who he is. He was there for me and spent a month with me and I created this image in my head that he was the end all be all in my life. That he was the only person that I would ever love and that he was the only person I would ever feel proud to bring home and proud to be with. To be honest, when I met him I felt that no one else like him would ever love me therefore I needed this one person. Because deep down I didn't feel good enough. And if he didn't take me and make time for me i would never feel good enough. I made him my deciding factor of whether I was worthy of love or not. 

I look back at this, almost 10 years ago, and I feel deeply embarressed. So embarressed that I haven't ever faced these old emails and letters. And I didn't even do anything that bad. Except that I shared my vulnerability. Just like other men have done with me. So why do I make myself feel less than for being human? I realized today that it is time to fully accept my actions, my embarressement, my deep vulnerability and just see it for what it was. A young girl in love, that knew deep abandonment from her parents. A girl that made it her mission to refuse to allow someone else she loved to abandon her. Of course! Of course I made this mistake. How could i not? 

I forgive myself. All people pull back when we over love them because over loving and "neediness", not to be confused with needing people (because I think we do need people)... over loving is not healthy. It does not come from a place of self love. It is not authentic and it is likely a trigger from something else. All people are free. All things are free. As with Buddhism, all things are impermanent. And to hold onto them is false. I release my embarressment about my mistakes. I release my embarressment about my patterning. I release my shame that I am not worthy or not enough. That isn't true. I feel shame and embarressment enough to heal them and then let them go because this is not my permanent states. Those are just deeply ingrained inner critics that come from culture, bad parenting, psychopathic/sociopathic relationships. I am worthy. Even through rejection. Even through loss. Even through the necessary states of impermanence. I am not broken for learning. I AM A HUMAN BEING and I had a tough start. And even if I hadn't maybe I would've made the same mistakes. Who knows. But I am so proud of myself for getting to his point in my life. I grieve enough about the years I have lost to heal and set the intention now to allow myself to be healthy and move forward. To love myself through my mistakes because perfection is stupid anyways and it doesnt birth healthy and happy relationships. I am enough. I am worthy of love. I am able to move through these emotions. Emotions and thoughts are just clouds and they too shall pass.