i feel weak

i will confess i am wishing that he would come to me and apologize and put on the charm. but i am still afraid of him. when he goes out at night i keep my phone near me in case he comes back drunk and scares the shit out of me. i actually find myself trembling. and yet, here i am, so ready to forgive him, just for a moment, just to be with him again and say goodbye. i can't get him out of my head. the good and the bad. it doesn't make any sense. i thought i could be there for him and yet i am ultimately disappointed in myself for both not being able to stick it out and for letting myself stay in this situation that has been so bad for me. and shame on me for thinking i could help him. i am so ashamed of myself! how can i help someone that doesn't want help? by turning myself into nothing so that he no longer feels threatened, and then no longer feels anything for me?
what is he doing? is he out kissing girls at bars? doing drugs with his friend that's 15 years younger than him? is he going around telling people that i have been a horrible girlfriend that does all the things he tells me i am doing that i am not doing?
how can i still want him? how can i still love him and miss him? what is wrong with me? i should hate him!!!!!!
he once dragged me out of his bed by the ankles because i refused to get into his drama with him. this was early on, when we didn't live together. his excuse was that it didn't hurt me. well it could have. and it did, inside. and so he says that when i slapped his face that i am an abuser, too. he also said that i put my hands on him one night, but as i recall, i was trying to cover his mouth as he shouted at my cousin that i was a whore, and that i called her a whore behind her back. and then he broke a lamp. glass everywhere.
when we first started hanging out, before we had even slept together, we went to go see a show. where we were sitting the sound was bad, so i told him i was going to go sit in the back and see if the sound was better. sent him a text from where i was at saying the sound was better, come to the back where i was, if he wanted. he flipped out on me! gave me the cold shoulder on the ride back home, then tried to talk about it. when i explained things my way, he said he didn't think he could hang out with me anymore. i said fine, and left. didn't get very far before he was beggin me to come back. i never should have.
when i kicked him out of my house and he came back half an hour later, i never should have let him back in. when he stormed out of a band practice because he was so sure i was singing love songs about some other man, i never should have followed him. when i stopped answering his calls and his texts and went to sleep one night after he had been insulting and he took a taxi across town to my house at 1am, i never should have let him in. nor should i have let him delete the texts he had sent me that i HADN'T read yet. when he told me it was all over a week before we were supposed to move in together, and then told me our apartment was ready for us, i never should have moved into it with him. when i stopped wearing shirts and dresses he deemed too revealing, i gave up. when i stopped making eye contact with other men in MY band that I STARTED, i should have realized it was time to move on. 
he is going to move on to some other woman, someone he will tell what a horrible person i was, as he has done with me when he talks about his other exes. he is going to make someone fall madly in love with him, and then he is going to start fucking with her, too. and he is going to blame her for his behavior, and he's going to get worse the more she gives in to him. all this and i can't even tolerate the thought of him being with someone else. i can't even imagine myself with anyone else. i want him to be with me and get better. i live in a fucking fantasy world.