i feel so sad
i know that the man that i fell in love with doesn't really exist. or he does, but he hasn't been around lately. i know all this, but part of me can't really accept it. it has gotten so intense lately, and me still not recovered from the 4 day disappearing act. it feels like it got so bad so fast. i was looking up cheap hotels the other day when i thought he was going to go into another rage/isolation. then he didn't, he remained calm and even told ME to relax, that he wasn't upset.
i have to move on, now. because i am scared of him. it almost seems like it would be easier to wait and have him go ballistic and trash the place in a rage (there's a hole in the door from the last one) so i could call the cops. because i think the charm's gonna turn on. worse yet, i HOPE the charm turns on, because i want so badly to say goodbye to that part of him. so unhealthy of me. am i crazy? am i safe? who the hell have i been living with all this time? who the hell did i think i was loving?
i can't do this, but i HAVE to, and i am GOING to. i deserve peace. it's not my job to be in hell with him. i hate this so much. i want to hate HIM, too, but i can't.
i am trying to pretend that he has died.
last night i had a dream about him. i used to, early in the relationship, dream of him as this character named "jack," who would rage and have temper tantrums and sulk. i had another dream like that last night, but this time his name wasn't jack anymore. he was just himself. and at work today i realized that in this dream i knew that jack wasn't jack, jack was HIM, not a character. jack was real. jack was the man i called my boyfriend. throughout the dream he just ran around doing things that hurt me, and when he asked why it hurt i told him it was because i loved him, and he made fun of my love and i ran away crying. this hasn't only happened in my dream, though. this is what has been happening the whole time. I HATE HIM! I HATE HIS DISORDER! I HATE HIS MOM AND HIS DAD AND I HATE HOW FUCKED UP ALL THIS HAS LEFT ME!!! and i hate that i am going to leave him and he is still going to be fucked up. i have done this, i have been there for him, for nothing.
i have to move on, now. because i am scared of him. it almost seems like it would be easier to wait and have him go ballistic and trash the place in a rage (there's a hole in the door from the last one) so i could call the cops. because i think the charm's gonna turn on. worse yet, i HOPE the charm turns on, because i want so badly to say goodbye to that part of him. so unhealthy of me. am i crazy? am i safe? who the hell have i been living with all this time? who the hell did i think i was loving?
i can't do this, but i HAVE to, and i am GOING to. i deserve peace. it's not my job to be in hell with him. i hate this so much. i want to hate HIM, too, but i can't.
i am trying to pretend that he has died.
last night i had a dream about him. i used to, early in the relationship, dream of him as this character named "jack," who would rage and have temper tantrums and sulk. i had another dream like that last night, but this time his name wasn't jack anymore. he was just himself. and at work today i realized that in this dream i knew that jack wasn't jack, jack was HIM, not a character. jack was real. jack was the man i called my boyfriend. throughout the dream he just ran around doing things that hurt me, and when he asked why it hurt i told him it was because i loved him, and he made fun of my love and i ran away crying. this hasn't only happened in my dream, though. this is what has been happening the whole time. I HATE HIM! I HATE HIS DISORDER! I HATE HIS MOM AND HIS DAD AND I HATE HOW FUCKED UP ALL THIS HAS LEFT ME!!! and i hate that i am going to leave him and he is still going to be fucked up. i have done this, i have been there for him, for nothing.
Replies
you are certainly a little bit crazy at the moment, but you need to go on with your instincts for now. your head will clear once the \"baleful influence\" is gone.
yeah, i\'m, just trying to keep busy and stay out of the apartment as much as possible when he\'s home. he told me he didn\'t want the dog on the bed, even though i put MY sheet on it for her to lay on so it wouldn\'t get smelly. so i decided i would rather sleep on the floor with my dogs than sleep in his stupid bed like he\'s doing me some favor. i know i sound horribly bitter. i am. i just have to embrace that part of myself right now because it\'s ok to be who i am...
as always, thanks for reading my rants. :)
Wow I really relate to feeling like you\'ve poured your emotional energy into someone and it doesn\'t help or change anything. I wanted very badly to think I was improving my partner\'s life, but maybe I was just enabling him. Maybe nothing would have made a difference. And you feel ashamed of it, too -- at least I did. People always told me he was leaning too much on me, and that he dominated me at the same time. Hoping things get better for you.