I feel so messed up
What he is doing is total headfuck, he said last night (after 2 arguments, and I got home at 20:30 after spending the weekend with my bff, who has a lovely hubby and a gorgeous 2.5 year old baby girl = everything I dream of...) that he loves me and doesn't want anyone else and he is sick of hurting me and not being 'the man I need right now'. I know it's over but it just hurts so much and having to be under the same roof for another 7 weeks and just 'be civil and live like friends' (he put it this way) is just so difficult. He says I have done nothing wrong, I am an angel (if anything, I'm too nice and my heart is too big - WTF does that mean???) and he really cares about me, but this is the best for me and that's the best he can do. He says this isn't what he wanted either, that I am still the only one for him, and he didn't realise he had problems when we met. He says he doesn't know why he is so angry and why he keeps shouting and abusing me verbally and emotionally. I said to him imagine what it feels like to me because I have done nothing to deserve this and all my dreams are going down the toilet because you can't control yourself. He said 'imagine what it feels like to me because I am the one responsible and I am the one ruining everything. Like I should feel more sorry for him because he f*cks up and keeps breaking my heart??? He said he doesn't want to do that anymore and put me on this rollercoaster of emotions again where he is great for a few days and everything is happy, and then he gets abusive and ruins it all and shatters our dreams. All this is so f*cked up and hurts so much! After the 2 big arguments in 3.5 hrs last night I went to sleep and had a nightmare that he threw me down on the stairs (when we argued earlier, he said he was so mad at me that he just wanted to pick me up and throw me out of the country!) and I must have cried and screamed in my sleep because I woke up crying and my heart racing and him cuddling me (he went to sleep in the other room). We ended up having s*x (it was me who really initiated it, just needed to be loved, so he wasn't taking advantage) and that was great but again we had this conversation in the morning him telling me that he was sorry that he can't be 'the man I need right now'. That leaves me in a limbo. Does that mean that he can be later?? I asked him and he said he didn't know. He said the best is if we split up and come to terms with that. And if he can be a better man then god knows what can happen..
Why does he have to dangle the carrot in front of me like this?? He said last night that he wished he could just go and deploy and that he hoped he'll die in the next 6 years bacuse he doesn't want to grow old lonely and sad, with no family, but like this he can't have a family. I told him he needed therapy and not war to sort himself out. He said he will go when he goes back toTexas, I said 'you need intensive therapy at least 1x / week'. He said he'll go 2x / week. But then he said he wishes he could deploy right now and not go back home! Totally opposing statements. Totally messes up my head! I know he probably has a PD of some sort, not knowing what it could be means I can't learn more about the PD, which helped with my narcissitic ex to get over it and him. My current ex has severe mood swings and goes from happy to insanely, scarily mad, shouting and swearing, in about 10 seconds! Sometimes he says he doesn't realise that he gets too shouty or that he swears (OK, he has bad hearing - he even has a hearing aid but he often doesn't wear them- both his ear drums were raptured in combat and he got a hearing aid last year, my heart went out for him!). He doesn't do much banter and he does things like this: Last night after s*x he asked me what I was thinking. I said: do you really wanna know? And he started raising his voice and saying stuff like: 'no, I'm just fuckin asking for the sake of asking. Why can't you answer a simple fucking question?? You see, this is our problem. You never answer the fuckin question I ask you!' I think the norm would be something along the lines of 'yes honey, tell me' / or 'yes, I really want to know'. But he just can't be nice!! He says he is not a nice person, and calls nice people p*ssies... I wish I knew if he has a PD and if so, what?? My ex husband was a narc but he is nothing like him... Just hurting so much and can't make sense of it all.
Why does he have to dangle the carrot in front of me like this?? He said last night that he wished he could just go and deploy and that he hoped he'll die in the next 6 years bacuse he doesn't want to grow old lonely and sad, with no family, but like this he can't have a family. I told him he needed therapy and not war to sort himself out. He said he will go when he goes back toTexas, I said 'you need intensive therapy at least 1x / week'. He said he'll go 2x / week. But then he said he wishes he could deploy right now and not go back home! Totally opposing statements. Totally messes up my head! I know he probably has a PD of some sort, not knowing what it could be means I can't learn more about the PD, which helped with my narcissitic ex to get over it and him. My current ex has severe mood swings and goes from happy to insanely, scarily mad, shouting and swearing, in about 10 seconds! Sometimes he says he doesn't realise that he gets too shouty or that he swears (OK, he has bad hearing - he even has a hearing aid but he often doesn't wear them- both his ear drums were raptured in combat and he got a hearing aid last year, my heart went out for him!). He doesn't do much banter and he does things like this: Last night after s*x he asked me what I was thinking. I said: do you really wanna know? And he started raising his voice and saying stuff like: 'no, I'm just fuckin asking for the sake of asking. Why can't you answer a simple fucking question?? You see, this is our problem. You never answer the fuckin question I ask you!' I think the norm would be something along the lines of 'yes honey, tell me' / or 'yes, I really want to know'. But he just can't be nice!! He says he is not a nice person, and calls nice people p*ssies... I wish I knew if he has a PD and if so, what?? My ex husband was a narc but he is nothing like him... Just hurting so much and can't make sense of it all.
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Have you researched borderline personality disorder? My 1st had narcissistic traits, and my stbx is nothing like my 1st either- there are 2 different types of NPD. If you can pinpoint what your current ex has, it will help you a lot. I didnt know my current had BPD until he was gone, and then everything fell together. Researching will help you get good insight. Or a therapist can help too- mine was the one who said BPD to begin with....
Oh! I didn\'t realise there are 2 types of NPD!! Confusing! Do you know how I can find out what the 2 types are,and how they differ?
I will research BPD, I know absolutely nothing about that at all!
Thanks Vanilla, any help is appreciated to assist me making sense of this mess.. It really helped when I realised (with Susy\'s help) in 2009 that exN had NPD! I asked his Mum (whom I still have a good relationship with) to read the narcissistic traits, and even she said that a lot of it sounded like exN. It helped to put things into perspective and helped me to let go realising that he will never change and I had a lucky escape (if you can call a 6 year relationship and marrying the psycho a lucky escape...)
OMG Vanilla, he totally is the Impulsive Type of BPD!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!
I looked the NPD as well, clarified it re: my exN, but my now-ex-bf doesn\'t fit the NPD type, but fits the BPD to a T!!
I wonder if he\'ll get help if I tell him, or how he would react?? I would have to chose the right time so he is in a recaptive mode, otherwise he\'ll take it as a criticism/ that I am calling him a psycho etc. and he\'ll just end up being abusive again. It\'d be good if he could get help, I know it can take years, and he needs to stick to it, well, all I can do is make him aware...?
There are covert and overt Narcs. xn was a total covert Narc.
Here is the thing ... what does it matter? A label is a label. All you need to know is that he is abusive.
The main question to ask is, \"Does this person HURT ME and OTHERS?\"
If they do, then it doesn\'t really matter if they are NPD, BPD, Histrionic, AsPD, sociopathic, psychopathic, malignant narcissists, or wolves-in-sheeps-clothing. They are pathologically self-invested and indifferent to their hurtful impact on other people.
And even if he is not seemingly indifferent, i.e., he expresses remorse - but yet the same exact behavior continues, therefore we must assume that the capacity to change to not available.
This is the best article I have ever found that describes all of the PD, but what you really need to be exploring is not what boxes you can check off for him but to heal your heart so that you do not end up in another abusive situation.
http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/
Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships
Thank you Susy! I suppose the reason why I want to find out the \'label\' is so that I can learn more about that PD and if I see signs if it in the future, make sure that I ran. Yes, he expresses remorse and promises he won\'t shout and swear at me again, but he is totally unable to control it and -like again this morning- he goes from lovely to a monster in 2 minutes!! It\'s scary!
Thing is, now because I know he is most probably BPD, I was able to stay objective and observe rather than participate, so I didn\'t get upset.
How can I make sure that I don\'t get involved with another pathological in the future?? You said I need to heal myself etc. How?? I just don\'t want to get hurt again, not that I want to get into another relationship at the moment...
Can you recommend any books etc. on how to heal myself? Re: Sandra Brown, how can I find out more about her stuff, and can she help somehow if I\'m in the UK? Please can you advise Susy?
I feel a bit overwhelmed right now; have to get over the fact that my relationship is over, in fact we won\'t be getting married, and I got involved with another man with a PD, and the fact that I\'ll be living alone soon. Scary! And all the \'what if\'s of what if I won\'t find a decent man ever, won\'t have children and a family if my own, and will be lonely forever. Super scary!!!
My head is all over the place.
Well to me if he realized he has that big of a problem then he would have stayed in counselling. It sounds like he\'s just trying to throw himself a pity party and wants you to bring confetti.
If he wants to go to therapy and really work on himself when you are broken up (which I honestly doubt he will just from what you write on him), then great. But doesn\'t mean you need to wait around for him.
You can definitely find another guy and just from my experience, you probably will feel better alone after the initial separation anxiety wears off. I\'m just speaking from my experience here, I still have things I\'m working on,but I really do feel better off w/o my ex.
I think now he realises he has a big problem; until recently he just thought he needs to control him anger; now he knows it\'s a lot more than that. He says he regrets hurting me and he takes responsibility for his appaling behaviour. He says he\'ll get help but really, as you say, that is now his problem to sort out. I was upset thinking that he\'ll get himself sorted and some other woman will reap the benefits. Then I have a Hollywood-style daydream that he will so back to the States, get helpand sort himself out, and come back for me. I\'m being stupid. Yes, I think once I am alone, intitally it\'ll be really hardcause I\'ll miss him and he isn\'t going tobe in the spare room anymore and come and give me cuddles and comfort me in the middle of the night when I have bad dreams (he doesn\'t pressure for sex or doesn\'t try anything tomakeme feel uncomfortable) and I\'ll really miss that and him. The nice side of him is a wonderful, loving,caring, affectionate, generous, sweet, funny guy... I will miss all that, but won\'t miss walking on eggshells and a minefield, being shouted at and sworn at and getting verbally and emotionally abused. With Susy\'s help I now know why weremember the good things so vividly and not the bad ones, but I have to remind myself of the bad ones.
He stillsays that he only ever wants me but he f*cked it up and he is mad at himself for that. Yeah, he made his bed, but I have to lie on it too, as it\'s my relationship too that is breaking down / broken down. Just feel messed up and feel so much pain.
Amazon07- I just read your journal, and with the exception of being verbally or physically abusive, my ex has done the exact same thing to me. It was eerie to read the stuff your ex says about not being the man you need. I think I finally convinced my ex to seek counseling after a long talk on Sunday. He was trying to rekindle the relationship and I told him we needed to talk about things first. I hope he follows thru. He actually made an appt this time. Let me know how things are going with you?? Thank you for your words, made me feel like I\'m not alone- T
Hiya,
I\'m through with my BPDX completely.
He promised me he was going to go to counselling several times, he even went 4x to a therapist that wasn\'t qualified to help him, he kept making appointments with people who could have helped him and kept cancelling them. I had it with him and broke up for the last time early June after he\'s been massively abusive and I finally saw him for who he really was; am empty, narcissistic, abusive, histrionic lying bullying drama queen. I barred him from all my emails and FB. I knew he wasn\'t going to try to call me as he knew I wouldn\'t answer. I was only tempted to contact him a couple of times to send him the words of Beyoncee\'s The best thing I never had, but I didn\'t contact him. He texted yesterday for the first time telling me that he found some of my stuff in the garage and didn\'t want to get rid of them in case I wanted them and asked how I was and how my sister\'s wedding was. I told him in a civil but emotionless way that I don\'t need any of that stuff and if he could dispose if it thank you. I didn\'t write about me or my sister\'s wedding, I didn\'t want him to know anything about me and didn\'t want to give him an excuse to write back. I never want to hear from him again.
I feel tired and worn out, numb and traumatised.
I met a guy who seems really nice and I so far noticed no alarm bells even though I\'m massively on the lookout. But I don\'t, can\'t rush into anything so we are just taking it slowly and right now I just need a bit of time out even from that.
I wish I didn\'t give my abusive ex so many chances; I wish I listened to my instinct and got out as soon as the alarm bells started ringing, which was 3-4 weeks (if that) into the relationship...
What a waste of my time he was but at least I know now what to look out for.