I feel so messed up
What he is doing is total headfuck, he said last night (after 2 arguments, and I got home at 20:30 after spending the weekend with my bff, who has a lovely hubby and a gorgeous 2.5 year old baby girl = everything I dream of...) that he loves me and doesn't want anyone else and he is sick of hurting me and not being 'the man I need right now'. I know it's over but it just hurts so much and having to be under the same roof for another 7 weeks and just 'be civil and live like friends' (he put it this way) is just so difficult. He says I have done nothing wrong, I am an angel (if anything, I'm too nice and my heart is too big - WTF does that mean???) and he really cares about me, but this is the best for me and that's the best he can do. He says this isn't what he wanted either, that I am still the only one for him, and he didn't realise he had problems when we met. He says he doesn't know why he is so angry and why he keeps shouting and abusing me verbally and emotionally. I said to him imagine what it feels like to me because I have done nothing to deserve this and all my dreams are going down the toilet because you can't control yourself. He said 'imagine what it feels like to me because I am the one responsible and I am the one ruining everything. Like I should feel more sorry for him because he f*cks up and keeps breaking my heart??? He said he doesn't want to do that anymore and put me on this rollercoaster of emotions again where he is great for a few days and everything is happy, and then he gets abusive and ruins it all and shatters our dreams. All this is so f*cked up and hurts so much! After the 2 big arguments in 3.5 hrs last night I went to sleep and had a nightmare that he threw me down on the stairs (when we argued earlier, he said he was so mad at me that he just wanted to pick me up and throw me out of the country!) and I must have cried and screamed in my sleep because I woke up crying and my heart racing and him cuddling me (he went to sleep in the other room). We ended up having s*x (it was me who really initiated it, just needed to be loved, so he wasn't taking advantage) and that was great but again we had this conversation in the morning him telling me that he was sorry that he can't be 'the man I need right now'. That leaves me in a limbo. Does that mean that he can be later?? I asked him and he said he didn't know. He said the best is if we split up and come to terms with that. And if he can be a better man then god knows what can happen..
Why does he have to dangle the carrot in front of me like this?? He said last night that he wished he could just go and deploy and that he hoped he'll die in the next 6 years bacuse he doesn't want to grow old lonely and sad, with no family, but like this he can't have a family. I told him he needed therapy and not war to sort himself out. He said he will go when he goes back toTexas, I said 'you need intensive therapy at least 1x / week'. He said he'll go 2x / week. But then he said he wishes he could deploy right now and not go back home! Totally opposing statements. Totally messes up my head! I know he probably has a PD of some sort, not knowing what it could be means I can't learn more about the PD, which helped with my narcissitic ex to get over it and him. My current ex has severe mood swings and goes from happy to insanely, scarily mad, shouting and swearing, in about 10 seconds! Sometimes he says he doesn't realise that he gets too shouty or that he swears (OK, he has bad hearing - he even has a hearing aid but he often doesn't wear them- both his ear drums were raptured in combat and he got a hearing aid last year, my heart went out for him!). He doesn't do much banter and he does things like this: Last night after s*x he asked me what I was thinking. I said: do you really wanna know? And he started raising his voice and saying stuff like: 'no, I'm just fuckin asking for the sake of asking. Why can't you answer a simple fucking question?? You see, this is our problem. You never answer the fuckin question I ask you!' I think the norm would be something along the lines of 'yes honey, tell me' / or 'yes, I really want to know'. But he just can't be nice!! He says he is not a nice person, and calls nice people p*ssies... I wish I knew if he has a PD and if so, what?? My ex husband was a narc but he is nothing like him... Just hurting so much and can't make sense of it all.
Why does he have to dangle the carrot in front of me like this?? He said last night that he wished he could just go and deploy and that he hoped he'll die in the next 6 years bacuse he doesn't want to grow old lonely and sad, with no family, but like this he can't have a family. I told him he needed therapy and not war to sort himself out. He said he will go when he goes back toTexas, I said 'you need intensive therapy at least 1x / week'. He said he'll go 2x / week. But then he said he wishes he could deploy right now and not go back home! Totally opposing statements. Totally messes up my head! I know he probably has a PD of some sort, not knowing what it could be means I can't learn more about the PD, which helped with my narcissitic ex to get over it and him. My current ex has severe mood swings and goes from happy to insanely, scarily mad, shouting and swearing, in about 10 seconds! Sometimes he says he doesn't realise that he gets too shouty or that he swears (OK, he has bad hearing - he even has a hearing aid but he often doesn't wear them- both his ear drums were raptured in combat and he got a hearing aid last year, my heart went out for him!). He doesn't do much banter and he does things like this: Last night after s*x he asked me what I was thinking. I said: do you really wanna know? And he started raising his voice and saying stuff like: 'no, I'm just fuckin asking for the sake of asking. Why can't you answer a simple fucking question?? You see, this is our problem. You never answer the fuckin question I ask you!' I think the norm would be something along the lines of 'yes honey, tell me' / or 'yes, I really want to know'. But he just can't be nice!! He says he is not a nice person, and calls nice people p*ssies... I wish I knew if he has a PD and if so, what?? My ex husband was a narc but he is nothing like him... Just hurting so much and can't make sense of it all.
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