I didn't make it today
I didn't make it to work today. I woke up crying, sobbing and then my mind and body just shut down because it could not deal with the amount of pain I was in. I'm starting to understand this grieving process. Some days I'm okay and I can function pretty normally. Some days I break down crying and it passes. Then come the days when my heart hurts so bad and my soul starts screaming and my body just can't handle it so it turns off. I've slept all day and just got out of bed. I'm feeling a little calmer now, but edgy. If not for the grieving, I'd be feeling guilty about spending an entire day sleeping. But I have no control over it right now. My body has been going through so much these past three months and it tells me what I need to do. My son stopped by last night to check on me. He had the night off and he came to see me. We sat and had a beer together and I went back to mowing. Of course, I got stuck again and had to call him back to help me get out this time. I tried as hard as I could, but that darn mower wouldn't budge. I came in and took a long shower to wash off the mud and through on my old bathrobe. Well, my son had told his friend Chris that I had broke down and called him crying, so Chris came over to check on me. He stayed for a couple of hours and we just chatted. They are getting ready to move into Chris's mom's house as she is moving to NC. Paul asked me to come over and paint his room for him, so I'll be doing that on Sunday. In exchange, he's going to clean the gutters on the garage for me as they have little trees growing out of them right now. I don't know what I'd do without these wonderful, loving kids I've been blessed with. They've been watching over me since Gene's death and would do anything for me that I needed. I'm so thankful to have them in my life. I made it through another day. Not under the best of circumstances, but I'm still standing and moving forward and I can't ask for much more than that right now. I miss Gene so much and sometimes the pain is just too much to bear. I have to realize that I'm going to have these days for a while and just learn to go with the flow because there are days when I just can't fight it.
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I wish I could hug you for real but hope a cyber hug will do. Like you, I am finding the day to day brings me to tears. I was seeing my daughter off on a plane and we had a cup of coffee before she left. Getting the paper sticks of brown sugar for her reminded me that I always did this for Richard - and never again will I have to.
A friend who lost her husband said that you prepare yourself for the obvious times like birthdays and anniversaries, but that it is these little reminders of loss which cause the most anguish and which make the loss of your husband so hard to bear.
I think you are doing brilliantly. Like you I am going to have to tackle the lawn mower soon. I think that crying is right - in England we have a very stiff upper lip approach to grief - but I am sure that by weeping you are enabling others to help you and to express your love for Gene, which is good.
God bless you today and every day.
Love
Margaret
You seem to be dealing with your grief with such a positive outlook although I know for sure that you are dying on the inside. But just the fact that you are \"choosing\" to take that positive spin is what\'s going to get you through this so much easier than you would otherwise. It takes a really strong person to make up their mind that \"I am going to do this, I\'m going to make it\". It also takes a very wise person to know when they need to just give in and let their grief run its course knowing that if they accept it and feel it that they can then regroup and start again. This has been my course over the last 18 months - get up, fall down, go forward, slip backwards, make progress, lose ground. Eventually, believe it or not it does finally begin to level out and you no longer fall all the way back down to the bottom of that dark hole. I wrote a journal about that awhile back - that dark hole and how I\'d scratched and climbed back up so many times that I left ridges along the way up and down the sides of that hole so that whenever I would fall again I\'d land where I\'d been the time before instead of all the way at rock bottom as in the beginning. I love reading your journals - they are so inspiring, whether you know it or not, your journey is going to help so many others as you are finding your way through this. You deserve so many hugs! Judi