I didn't make it today

I didn't make it to work today.  I woke up crying, sobbing and then my mind and body just shut down because it could not deal with the amount of pain I was in.  I'm starting to understand this grieving process.  Some days I'm okay and I can function pretty normally.  Some days I break down crying and it passes.  Then come the days when my heart hurts so bad and my soul starts screaming and my body just can't handle it so it turns off.  I've slept all day and just got out of bed.  I'm feeling a little calmer now, but edgy.  If not for the grieving, I'd be feeling guilty about spending an entire day sleeping.  But I have no control over it right now.  My body has been going through so much these past three months and it tells me what I need to do.   My son stopped by last night to check on me.  He had the night off and he came to see me.  We sat and had a beer together and I went back to mowing.  Of course, I got stuck again and had to call him back to help me get out this time.  I tried as hard as I could, but that darn mower wouldn't budge.  I came in and took a long shower to wash off the mud and through on my old bathrobe.  Well, my son had told his friend Chris that I had broke down and called him crying, so Chris came over to check on me.  He stayed for a couple of hours and we just chatted.  They are getting ready to move into Chris's mom's house as she is moving to NC.  Paul asked me to come over and paint his room for him, so I'll be doing that on Sunday.  In exchange, he's going to clean the gutters on the garage for me as they have little trees growing out of them right now.  I don't know what I'd do without these wonderful, loving kids I've been blessed with.  They've been watching over me since Gene's death and would do anything for me that I needed.  I'm so thankful to have them in my life.   I made it through another day.  Not under the best of circumstances, but I'm still standing and moving forward and I can't ask for much more than that right now.  I miss Gene so much and sometimes the pain is just too much to bear.  I have to realize that I'm going to have these days for a while and just learn to go with the flow because there are days when I just can't fight it.