how i am feeling RIGHT NOW

i am still having trouble getting past how upset i am for who my boyfriend has been in the past few days. i was starting to feel more positive until he began criticizing me tonight about how sloppy he thinks i am and how rude it was for me to leave my clothes on the bathroom floor (or "all over the bathroom floor" and he had to pick them all up he said) the night that i stayed away from home. i feel so defensive about that night, with what he did and how i felt i had to protect my own sanity by seeking sanctuary, that in my own mind i do not see how he could even dare to criticize why i would leave anything out of place just because i had decided it was not safe for me to go home.
i guess that makes sense, though. he was grumpy, and he also wanted to add somehow, in some way, that i did some wrong in seeking time away from him. not that i don't deserve criticism about sloppiness, but this might not have been what it was about.
but anyhow, that put me back into a funk again. i just want to see my boyfriend as the man i love, the one who is loving and nurturing and shares a creative and fulfilling life with me, but right now my image of him is someone who has hurt me, someone who refuses to acknowledge having hurt me, and someone who will hurt me again. it's ironic, really. i am experiencing what he experiences when he feels threatened, only what he has done to me is real, and what i have done to him is imagined.
right now, at this very moment, a part of me has just said "WHOA WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FUCKED UP SHIT??!!" as i read the last sentence in the last paragraph. this all seems pretty ridiculous right now. a crisis counselor told me that i have to allow myself to want this relationship, but all of a sudden i have had this tremendous urge to allow myself to not want it. except i don't want that- i want to still want it. 
i'm going to bed. that might help.