"How can you say that???"

For all those who have messaged, left comments ~ Thank you.
One of the things I hate to hear is "You're so strong" but as much as I hate hearing it ~ I know I am. I've weathered things that although they have brought me to my knees ... I'm here, enduring for a reason. I know I will find my way past this feeling ... with time, strength willed to me from all of you and "the help of my own guardian angel". 
"How can you say that??" was a statement made to me that was like a bip upside my head this week. Maybe it was what I needed to see and know I will get through this. 
We all grieve in different ways. Ways that allow us to cope. No one way is right, no one way is wrong. Our grief is different so how we manage it is different as well. I say what makes you make another minute, another hour, another day, another year ... then do it. 
I have never been a person who takes comfort at the cemetery. For me that is not my son. His physical body remains there preserved in a way that has always made me ask why but that isn't my son. It's his earthly body but my son was so much more than that. His spirit, his soul, his being lives in heaven ... in my heart ... in the heart of family & friends who love him. He lives in the stories people tell me, stories that make others smile when they tell them. He lives in the traditions as silly as a nutcracker each Christmas ... a fattening Monte Cristo sandwich that he loved on a cold fall day ... in his niece's style as she sports his hat ... in so many things, too many things to list. That's where Randy Lee is ... where he lives ... where he is alive. Not at that small plot of land that holds the bronze plaque inscribed with his name and dates.
I do not have a pic of his grave. I make big, beautiful flower arrangements to adorn it throughout the year. His friends leave mementoes there when they visit. An angel with folded hands in prayer. I've never captured any of it in a photo. Just for me ~ I don't get comfort from that. That's my personal feeling. 
I don't take away from anyone who does that and finds comfort in it. You do what you do to help you do what you need to do. 
The statement of "How can you say that" came from a response of saying "I don't need to visit my son's grave to feel close to him. I don't capture the flower arrangements in pics to look at later". An older lady I know looked at me like I had 3 heads and said that in a rather squeaky shrill with wide eyes. Followed by "What a terrible way to feel". Being my normal blunt, to the point self my words were out before I realized it ... "It's a fine way to feel. I buried a body, not my child. I carry him here (hand on heart) the same way I have from the moment I knew he was as I will until the moment my heart stops beating".
I'm sure I do a lot of things in my life that others don't understand or agree with and you know what ... I'm fine with that.
If people who don't understand this ache ... this pain ... the loss of a child ... maybe I should say "How dare you have an opinion on a loss you don't know".  This is going to sound odd but the fire I felt inside at that comment was the first in months where I felt "I'm going to be okay'. I'll still be sad ... I'm still going to have days ... I'm still going to be down ... i'm still going to miss Randy Lee ... there will still be tears ... and sadness ... and anger but there will still be passion ... love .... thankfulness that I was blessed to be Randy Lee's mom ... Honored to be the vessel that carries Randy Lee's wish that his story help others ... the hand in the darkness that may be the difference to that one person at that exact moment ... and as much as I hate it .... the person who is strong enough to move forward. After all ~ I'm Randy Lee's mom forever and always. No one gets judge that love ... 
(((hugs))) and peace to all the moms (and dads) out there who are on this journey we never wanted to take. May our paths cross exactly when we need it most.