horrible fucking day
my favorite dog at work was put to sleep today.
my boyfriend misconstrued what i said when i told him that i was NOT pushing for diagnosis or medication, only to be able to learn what is going on with him. he sent me angry texts all day while i was at work crying. i told him disorder or not, he has been abusive and i won't take it anymore. he stopped texting, and then i came home to the letter...
he left me a letter telling me not to talk to him about meds and psychologists, about this rich country that misdiagnoses everybody, it's all about money, stop trying to control him.
still, STILL, i left him a voice message. i told him that if he cannot allow me to do whatever research i can to help me to understand him, then there is nothing else i can do for him. because there are things he can't share with me, or won't, and there are things i don't understand. i apologized again for making my mistake. and i said that he has to accept that sometimes i am going to make them. and i told him how hard my day was today. i told him that i love him, i told him that i do not blame him, and i told him that what happens inside him is not his fault. i said this several times.
so, today, i did realize that if i am to pretend that he does not have this disorder, then there is no hope for our relationship. i do love him, but i have to look out for myself. and if i was to even remotely consider that he does NOT have a disorder, then i am in an abusive relationship with a controlling and cruel asshole and it is time for me to leave. any promises of commitment that i have made to reinforce that someone can love him and not abandon him would be null and void, for there would be no fear of abandonment, no disorder, and therefor no point.
i don't believe this, though. but i can only give what i can give, and if the greed of his disorder is greater than what i have to offer, it will eventually consume me entirely.
i would not want that, and nor would he.
is it better to break my promise? or is it better to push him into leaving me? which is better for him? because i still want to do that. what i can. until the end.
my boyfriend misconstrued what i said when i told him that i was NOT pushing for diagnosis or medication, only to be able to learn what is going on with him. he sent me angry texts all day while i was at work crying. i told him disorder or not, he has been abusive and i won't take it anymore. he stopped texting, and then i came home to the letter...
he left me a letter telling me not to talk to him about meds and psychologists, about this rich country that misdiagnoses everybody, it's all about money, stop trying to control him.
still, STILL, i left him a voice message. i told him that if he cannot allow me to do whatever research i can to help me to understand him, then there is nothing else i can do for him. because there are things he can't share with me, or won't, and there are things i don't understand. i apologized again for making my mistake. and i said that he has to accept that sometimes i am going to make them. and i told him how hard my day was today. i told him that i love him, i told him that i do not blame him, and i told him that what happens inside him is not his fault. i said this several times.
so, today, i did realize that if i am to pretend that he does not have this disorder, then there is no hope for our relationship. i do love him, but i have to look out for myself. and if i was to even remotely consider that he does NOT have a disorder, then i am in an abusive relationship with a controlling and cruel asshole and it is time for me to leave. any promises of commitment that i have made to reinforce that someone can love him and not abandon him would be null and void, for there would be no fear of abandonment, no disorder, and therefor no point.
i don't believe this, though. but i can only give what i can give, and if the greed of his disorder is greater than what i have to offer, it will eventually consume me entirely.
i would not want that, and nor would he.
is it better to break my promise? or is it better to push him into leaving me? which is better for him? because i still want to do that. what i can. until the end.
Replies
it\'s hard to know what to say. you have hit a rough patch, to put it mildly. one big problem with being insane is that the insane are usually unaware that they are insane. one strong indicator/problem of pwBPD is that if you try to abandon them, insane things happen, but their response could be either be apparently constructive \"hysterical bonding\" or destructive assault, depression or \"suicidal ideation\". Just do your best to maintain your sense of humor and self control. Your disordered partner will pretty much unilaterally determine the course course of the relationship. Expect to confront an affair in the near future, now that your are no longer being idealized.
http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm
P.S. sorry about the dog. Sometimes when it rains, it pours, doesn\'t it?
i told him that his having either a physical or emotional affair would be an instant end to the relationship. but i don\'t think that he is the affair type, and he has told me he wold never do that. i believe him, and he knows i know he\'s a terrible liar and can read him very very well. but i appreciate the concern, and the support.