holding it together....i think

My boyfriend is in the hospital.  I took him in Sat morning.  He had been saying he hadn't felt right for a couple of days.  Sat morning he said he just felt weak and actually sat around and watched tv while I worked on schoolwork.  He NEVER does that.  about 10am he was kind of panicking and said he wanted to go to the ER.  His blood pressure was very high and they have kept him over the weekend.  They want to do a stress test which could not be done on Sunday so I am going over there this morning to see what is next.  I know I still love him....I may hate the alcohol but I do love him.  Still, after all my talk of leaving I have been very down and upset.  I'm such a pathetic loser.  I was trying to get some class work done while I was sitting all day in his hospital room.  It should be a simple class and I can't even get through that.  Maybe I'm too old to go back to school. If I can only handle one class a semester while i'm working then I'll be 90 before I finish anyway.  Guess I am pretty negative and sad today.  The dog is looking for him.  At least I have my animals so I am not totally alone.  He asked my not to tell anyone yet that he's in the hospital and I only told my mom because I was going to take her to meet a friend of mine this weekend.  Of course according to her he doesn't have my best interests at heart and is always trying to control me.  I don't know what we will tell the kids if he doesn't get released today.  The oldest was texting me the a book list I asked her for and I didn't answer at first afraid she'd ask where Dad was.  I mean we will tell them but they are on their last week of vacation, we don't really know anything yet and I don't want them to worry when there's nothing they can do right now.  How did I become such a screwed up person?