hm k

i like to drink because I think too much.  people warn that it kills brain cells--i'm like, thank you, please!  i'm so much cooler when my brain cells are diminished to a certain level.....of course in excess it can be retarded.  but overall, it grants less overthinking....i'm always overthinking to no good end except to make myself excruciating self-concious and overwhelmed by the infinite absurdity of it all.  i can sigh and just block it out, but when i drink it seems effortless to just be in the moment and not worrying about anything more than that moment.  not so multi layered, but more primal.   well anyway, is what is apparently. i'm developing a new strategy about how to cope with my drinking, cause the fact is, abstience has not been effective in these 10 years of alcoholism, so i might as well just rework my approach.   more to come on that. 

gratitude

grateful for this boy i met and that my life is in order and actually grateful for that binge last week now thats it over and the conclusion has been drawn.  it was crazy, i'm such an adventurer when i drink.  but it's dangerous, i get in dangerous, stupid, wasteful situations.  like i'm spoiled i guess....my mom's like "i'm such an enabler" because she helps me sometimes, like she bought my sewing machine or hula hoop....i'm like no, without you i would still be on the streets.  you are my sponsor!  you help me deal with this without killing myself.  and i'm evolving, and good things are happening.  who wants an easy life?  that's so boring!  something like that.....just a balance needs to be struck.  

desire

i want to learn thai.  i suck at it.  i know a little, but to learn a language you really have to put in hours.  its tedious, but also fun because i'm here in thailand.  so many people speak english though its easy to be lazy and just learn the minimum about how to get aroud.  but i want to be able to have conversations and read teh signs.  i feel stupid for not being able to, so i want to put effort into.  i just have no accountability.  i was taking lessons, just started last month, but now i have to save up for another mortorbike.  i'm too sporadic about my studying.  i need to make a schedule and stick to it.  so, i'm going to do that. 

brags

some is renting my house out for 5 days, which is cool because i want to be able to travel for like 3 or 4 months eveyr year and airbnb this house out.  not for profit, just so i can not lose money.  maybe like a 100 or 200 profit.  anyway this is cool.  

also i want to figure out how the fuck we stop the inequality in the world.  money is fucked.  so theres that.  i mean, theres virtues to it, as there is with many things....but damn, we need to evolve.  and i want to put my mind into being an evolutionary agent i think, of some degree.  

its lofty, but hey....why not?  what else i am doing?  might as well try to get my act together.  the internet makes everything so accessible. haha can you tell i'm stoned?  off to bed....i have responsibilities tomorrow!