Hidden since April...just releasing now..
I talk to the thin air at times. Saying things like; " I can't believe I am living in the room you died in, and it doesn't bother me a bit..." or "Can you help me with this one?"... and then there are days I just see these pictures in my head and they envelop me and evoke pure tears and sadness - - because the missing of my dear mom is so big I cannot contain my sadness in not being able to keep her forever - as if a treasure or an heirloom...
So I hear her in my heart. She told me before she died she knew it would be hardest on me. Understatement. I can barely cook a hot dog..and I am a gourmet cook. Yep I just burned a hot dog. And over the weekend I baked five cakes, all dry as a bone. I don't recognize myself. I am thirty pounds lighter and obsessed with staying thin as a rail. I am one foot in the water, one foot out. I live in my mom's beautiful home, with my husband and my disabled older brother...but somewhere along the way parts of myself are still floating high above the world - above this state.
Since my mom's passing I have had to put down my 17 year old cat...let go of my darling daughter to the world because she was 18 and wanted to get a job, move out and find her birth mom. Deal with my dearest friend being diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer...thankfully he is still with us, and doing well; but I have made numerous trips back east to see him and cry with him as he also buried his sister two months after his mom died. Then there is my husbands' sisters baby, diagnosed with severe autism, my husband having to move his business, our home, rent our house out - then hire an attorney because the tenants destroyed ten years of a vine system enshrouding our home. And yet two more friends die. One on the actual day his sister committed suicide three years prior. He died of a heart attack, and then our bookkeeper, my age, dropped dead and her death is still a medical mystery. The list is intense and long. Inbetween all of this is me trying to manage my nerves and communicate with my disabled brother and be gracious to my husband who is stressed beyond belief. His first client here bounced a large check to the business and it's been difficult to get started here - - but this is where we are supposed to be. This is our new us.
So I hear her in my heart. She told me before she died she knew it would be hardest on me. Understatement. I can barely cook a hot dog..and I am a gourmet cook. Yep I just burned a hot dog. And over the weekend I baked five cakes, all dry as a bone. I don't recognize myself. I am thirty pounds lighter and obsessed with staying thin as a rail. I am one foot in the water, one foot out. I live in my mom's beautiful home, with my husband and my disabled older brother...but somewhere along the way parts of myself are still floating high above the world - above this state.
Since my mom's passing I have had to put down my 17 year old cat...let go of my darling daughter to the world because she was 18 and wanted to get a job, move out and find her birth mom. Deal with my dearest friend being diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer...thankfully he is still with us, and doing well; but I have made numerous trips back east to see him and cry with him as he also buried his sister two months after his mom died. Then there is my husbands' sisters baby, diagnosed with severe autism, my husband having to move his business, our home, rent our house out - then hire an attorney because the tenants destroyed ten years of a vine system enshrouding our home. And yet two more friends die. One on the actual day his sister committed suicide three years prior. He died of a heart attack, and then our bookkeeper, my age, dropped dead and her death is still a medical mystery. The list is intense and long. Inbetween all of this is me trying to manage my nerves and communicate with my disabled brother and be gracious to my husband who is stressed beyond belief. His first client here bounced a large check to the business and it's been difficult to get started here - - but this is where we are supposed to be. This is our new us.
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