Here we go again.

Another bender.  Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday *and* Friday.  I felt so sick today like I was dying.  Thank god I stopped.  I started using this "tinder" application, and since I live in a really awesome hippie city in thailand, I would get responses from all kinds of intriguing travelers and characters.  I've been so lonely deep down for a while and I resisted using the Tinder app because it just weirded me out.  I met this one guy on there who seemed like he would be boyfriend material and it turns out he has a whole youtube channeld with 10s of thousands of subscribers about how to seduce women.  He runs his own dating site.  So that set me up for disillusionment, we had been texting for days and I really have not been intrigured by a guy like this is sooooo long.  Of course it turns out that it's all some fucked kind of game to him.  That was two weeks ago, I drank when I was texting him because I realize my triggers are when I feel nervous or inadequate and I just want to be open and crazy and fun and eloquent, so I love to have that drink next to me to make me feel fulfilled/relaxed/emboldened.  So I got off tinder after that and then two weeks later got back on......while I had already been drunk drunk for a day.  i fucked 4 different guys in 5 days.  in the past year i had only been with two people.  my promiscuity is alarming, i'm just so lakedissical when i get drunk.  i called off my online work and it's a miracle I still have the job.  I just let everything fall apart.  I just have no accountability, nothing to keep me motivated, I get so distracted and then I just want realease.  and then i wind up being an idiot.  who goes on a 4 and a half day bender?  who in their right mind???  my kidneys ache.  like i try to be so fit and healthy and balanced in my life and then i just go insane.  it just seems impossible to try to quit drinking for good.  it's all around everywhere and i love to have my mind changed.  but i think i'm done, i don't want this anymore.  i want to make shit happen.  i actually met a thai boy that i really liked in the midst of all this so i am just praying that something good comes out of this bender.  that i needed to learn a lesson or meet somone.  it's hard being shy and yet crazy at the same time!  i'm an artist, i like to dance and be ridiculous and be free.  not just small talk for hours and hours.  or something like that.....trying to figure it out.  going to start jounarling more on here.  i need advice about how to deal with the cravings when they inevitably will hit me again.  i'm sure a craving won't occur for a while though.  i'm done for a couple months, this one really shook me up.  i feel like i've been in a car accident too because i was wrestling all these guys i met on tinder.  i wanted to wrestle them.  i'm insane, i know.  i just like to feel like an animal.  but i'm so sore and beat up HAHA.  fuck my life.  glad this detox day is over.  i'm gonna get it together somehow.