here i am once again.

was doing pretty fucking good for a minute.  had two months of not drinking this time around then two or three weeks ago i had a binge.  and now this week another binge.  i now fully accept that i can never, ever drink and have to for the next six months at least stay away from any situation that involves people drinking around me.  why am i like this?  instead of going over this again, i am going to focus on what i need to do to change and also give thanks that i didn' t kill someone and that i still have my motorbike, phone and computer.  i did cancel work (after feeling so happy that my contract with renewed and i had a bunch of absences allotted to me) so I'm back to square 1 with not being able to miss any more classes from this point forward.  

now i truly realize that it will always, always, always be the same if i drink.  and i will go nowhere in my life if i continue to act foolishly like this.  luckily i had met a guy a week ago on tinder who is a Tramua Release Exercise (TRE) therapist and who has been sober 3 years, after going to rehab here in Thailand.  he is from sudan and saudi arabia.  he is arabic and muslim.  i wasn't attracted to him last week and didn't really intend to hang out with him again, although i didn't dislike him.  but i contacted him with this last binge, and today, when i was so hungover, depressed and scared, he invited me to his apartment, and we talked and i did some TRE.  We also ate food and smoke cigarettes, and then just laid around and watched standup comedy.  i was so happy for this relief because my house was a wreck due to my drunken slobbishness and it also gets so hot here during the day.  it was nice to have someone who undertood the hangover i was dealing with and the situation i was in and i could talk freely to.  i am home now.  i cleaned up some.  and i feel so much better. the only catch is he wanted to have sex and i feel bad that i didn't.  always comes back to sex, huh?  anyway, i am happy for his help.  i am going to AA on monday.

still exhausted from the poisioning i did to myself by drinking.  gallons and gallons and gallons of beer i drank.  i'm one sick fuck.  blacked out.  i'm a disgusting drunk person.  but now it's over, hopefully forever.