HEARTBREAK

July 24th was Jackie's 31st birthday and the first time I went to visit her at the cemetary. I didn't want to go until her name was on the stone. She is buried with my Aunt. I was going regardless but it was finished and I was happy for that. I just cant believe I was there looking down, seeing her grave. What happened. One day we were laughing together and then she's gone. I'm so frustrated, I begged her to visit me in a dream. I begged her forgiveness that I wasnt with her when she passed. There are two regrets I will always have. Jackie asked me to go out with her that day after dinner and I told her I was too tired. WHAT WAS I THINKING. She shot herself in her car but was taken to the hospital because she was still breathing with the help of a respirator because she had minimal brain activity. My whole family was there and my son, my sister and my friend of 50 years since we are 12 insisted I not see her. I just let everyone make the decisions that day. I was numb. I just sat there. I should have been with her. My son, niece and brother-in-law was with her when she died. Not me, I should have been holding her. She would have known it was me. I can never get that moment back. They didn't want me to see her like that and that be my last memory of her. But nothing should have kept me from holding her. I brought her into this life, I should have been with her when she left it. I went out yesterday for the day to try and not think too much and it did help until I got home. This horrible road I am on is breaking me. I am trying so hard to go forward.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

We will always have regrets.....I never saw my son again after he left our house when he visited a few weeks prior....I did speak to him that day and he was very upbeat....never could have imagined what would take place before the night would end....also, I never saw him before they took him to the funeral home...something that always haunts me. I thought I would not be able to handle seeing his wound. I am sharing this with you only because your regrets make me think of my own. I have come to realize that perhaps it is best that we remember them as they were....no obvious wounds....even though, they were wounded inside where we could not see....that is something no one could have foretold with any certainty. We can remember the smiles and laughter...their eyes...the charm that made us love them so much....we have that with us always....I pray you can dwell on what is good and precious.

Birthdays are very rough....today is my son\'s birthday...he would have been 32. My heart is with you as you remember your darling daughter and the love that entered your life on July 24th....a wonderful day. Hugs, dale..brandon\'s mom
biowoman
biowoman

It is normal to think of the things we wish we had done differently...but know that you did the best that you could do IN the circumstance. Jackie knows your love...feels your love...let the regret go. You are a wonderful mother that has loved her from the second she was created. Going forward is something we all do...we move a bit forward and a bit backward...but eventually the sorrow becomes a part of us...it does not consume...and in time this will happen...baby steps. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Pauljac49
Pauljac49

I didn\'t see Jackie at her wake. Again, my son and sister put some of the things she loved most in with her, pictures and such. I know they wanted to protect me. My son still sees his sister like that and tells me he is not one bit sorry that he wouldn\'t let me see her. I trust him. I just want her to come to me in a dream. I know I will feel a little better. I just want to see her again.
connilla
connilla

We all beat ourselves up with the \"should haves\". I know it is so hard not to do so because we seem to blame ourselves regardless. I did so and I\'m sure 99% of us do. Intellectually I know I shouldn\'t but emotionally I still do after almost 3 years. There is no way you could have known that by refusing to go with her, it would be the last time you saw her. They do not blame us for any of it. I was told by a psychic that Melissa doesn\'t blame me whatsoever. I don\'t think I\'ll ever stop blaming myself for not seeing that Melissa was so sick but I feel more at peace with it in the sense that I am not a trained medical person and all her symptoms looked the same as her uclerative colitis symptoms. Hope some day you will realize that you weren\'t a psychic and could not know what was going to happen....Hugs forever, Connie
Pauljac49
Pauljac49

I know I will always have those two regrets, and that I have to learn to cope with it. I have a lot of thoughts go through my head at any given time. Sometimes I just zone out. She was such a beautiful person, inside and out and I will never understand the pain she was in physically and emotionally. I knw I need to get through this. What a battle. One I never dreamed of and a fight for my life literally. I\'m very lucky to have found all of you. I can cry and pour my heart out and know you all feel the same. It\'s horrible that we have to bond over such a horrendous tragedy
JennsMom66
JennsMom66

The hindsight we all have is 20/20... the I should have done this.. I should have done that... no matter what we could have always done it better if we had a do over..
Jackie knows you love her, always and forever. She understands.
I have been a nurse for many years, I have been with families who sat by their loved ones bedside for days and the first time they left to go eat is when the patient passed..the patient did not want them there at that time...
It is so shocking to see your beloved child\'s name on a grave stone, the first time it brought me to my knees... I go often (was there the other day) and don\'t reach as strongly but still can\'t believe that is MY Jennifer there.. but it is.
Hugs, MaryLou...Jenns Mom
NoraMc
NoraMc

I will forever see the horrible picture in my head..my Morgan...lifeless,, oh how I tried to help her and she was already gone...that picture haunts me off and on...remember her as beautiful as she was, her smile...not seeing her is a good thing..it\'s ok...she loves you and is with you always. We go to the cemetary every Sunday, we clean off the stone, trim, just make sure her place of rest is taken care of..some Sundays are real hard,others are peaceful..my heart goes out to you as my tears run ..Nora
deleted_user
deleted_user

The main thing is our kids know we love them. I think of so many things that I wish I had said, would of done. When those thoughts come in I try to think of the love he knew I have for him and the love I know he has for us. If any of us knew the pain our child was in things would of been so different but we don\'t always have that knowledge. I agree this site really helps us, even though each time I read the post I cry.
deleted_user
deleted_user

As many have already said, we can\'t KNOW that the moment we make a decision is the very moment we will live regretting. WHY didn\'t I remember seeing the You Tube video my daughter watched on how to load a shotgun that day? WHY didn\'t I remember the moment we left that store after I looked at the shotgun I wanted for clay pigeon shooting, the moment I said to myself \"What did I just do?\" WHY? It\'s as if those things were erased from my mind and that\'s NOT like me. I spent TWO MONTHS in lock down here trying to protect her from this. WHY did I buy into her \"happy\" attitude that day and believe she was going out to buy an electric blanket (when I had just purchased the last one Target had on sale only a few weeks before?) I have no answers just speculation. Perhaps it was her day to go \"home\", to be FREE of her torment. I HAVE NO BLAME, YOU HAVE NO BLAME. You are human, you were tired, you had no reason to think there was anything else happening. I am human, I was very tired that day, I had no reason to think there was something else going on. I was in the ER that night because the cops called an ambulance and they wouldn\'t let me leave, they put me in the psych ward for three nights and two days and it\'s a GOOD thing because I NEEDED to be there. I didn\'t even stop to think that my daughter\'s body WAS IN THAT ER TOO. NO, I would not have wanted to see her lifeless, I wouldn\'t have survived that. Your family protected you and you might not have been able to survive seeing your daughter that way. She would not have known you were there, she was already \"gone\", God takes the soul and what is left is the shell. You can spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for something YOU DON\'T HAVE BLAME FOR. Your daughter is with God, she\'s at peace, she\'s whole, she\'s out of pain, she knows your heart better than YOU do now because she\'s in a place that lets her see that. You were in SHOCK that day, I know because I was in SHOCK the day my daughter crossed over. I can\'t even REMEMBER the next two days when I was in the hospital except that the OTHER PATIENTS took care of me, with great love and concern. Could we all have done things differently? IF we had the mind of God, if we had perfect insight, if we were \"perfect\" and could read minds, then yes. But we are fallible humans, we are subject to our own emotional and psychological distress, our physical ailments and fatigue, and we can\'t see the future. YOU LOVE your daughter and she LOVES YOU. I know you\'ll torture yourself with this for weeks (I hope not months). Find a good grief counselor, mine has helped me enormously. YOU DID NOT DO THIS, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS, you were the BEST mother she could have had and the one she NEEDED. We don\'t know the purpose of all of this, not yet. But someday we will. Right now, one step at a time, even one hour at a time. You need God\'s help in all of this, turn to Him I\'m telling you. He is there. He is REAL (lifetime of knowledge speaking here). SHE is WITH HIM. Turn to Him, learn to discern whose \"voice\" you hear in your head and rebuke that enemy that blames you. You are blameless.