July 24th was Jackie's 31st birthday and the first time I went to visit her at the cemetary. I didn't want to go until her name was on the stone. She is buried with my Aunt. I was going regardless but it was finished and I was happy for that. I just cant believe I was there looking down, seeing her grave. What happened. One day we were laughing together and then she's gone. I'm so frustrated, I begged her to visit me in a dream. I begged her forgiveness that I wasnt with her when she passed. There are two regrets I will always have. Jackie asked me to go out with her that day after dinner and I told her I was too tired. WHAT WAS I THINKING. She shot herself in her car but was taken to the hospital because she was still breathing with the help of a respirator because she had minimal brain activity. My whole family was there and my son, my sister and my friend of 50 years since we are 12 insisted I not see her. I just let everyone make the decisions that day. I was numb. I just sat there. I should have been with her. My son, niece and brother-in-law was with her when she died. Not me, I should have been holding her. She would have known it was me. I can never get that moment back. They didn't want me to see her like that and that be my last memory of her. But nothing should have kept me from holding her. I brought her into this life, I should have been with her when she left it. I went out yesterday for the day to try and not think too much and it did help until I got home. This horrible road I am on is breaking me. I am trying so hard to go forward.